Chapter 10

"I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is, "Who in the world am I?" Ah, that's the great puzzle!"

Lewis Carroll
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

One of the scariest things I've encountered is the "sleep disorders" -- as I will graciously call them. I don't really believe I should use that term, as it implies accidental, meaningless physiological effect... and I don't believe my experience quite fits that category.

To be absolutely wide awake for hours before you figure out that you have a body with limbs, and before the confusing-ness all around you solidifies into actual solid, definable shapes, not to mention before anything conceptual gets attached to those shapes, such as that the shapes around you are a bed and walls -- let alone that they are yours -- this is so traumatic it's beyond words.

It's like I was dropped into a foreign universe, which unfortunately turned out to be mine. If I had been asleep and experiencing this it would be one thing; but to be wide awake, for that long, and still in the middle of it, that was simply terrifying. And being hours late to work in the morning is a good way to become unemployed, so it scared the hell out of me on that front too.

It was the first thing that affected my daily life in such a negative way that I felt victimized. I didn't just feel it was yet another weird thing in my life. I felt very specifically punished. I assigned it something personal.

June, 1994

My sleeping habits the last few weeks have been totally off the wall. But I've gone to bed at a fairly decent hour the last few nights, haven't been being "nabbed" since I've moved my bed to the living room and been sleeping in it (fall asleep normally, it seems, though the sleepiness does hit me very suddenly) and I simply cannot wake up in the morning.

I can't emphasize this enough. It's not that I'm sleeping deeply. It's not that I'm not getting enough sleep. It's not even that I'm somewhere else and have to bring myself back 'here.' I've done that, where you're elsewhere, like bi-located, or "deep," or.... but this is different. "Absolute."

Well, I'm sure you're going to think I am totally paranoid. I don't know who or what I'm accusing. But I should go back, and explain the first symptom first. This lasted about a week or so.

My eventual conclusion was: It felt as if maybe there was something broadcasting a frequency to keep me asleep. Let me rephrase that. Not like the point of the frequency was to keep ME asleep personally. It probably just happens to be tuned to that level, or something occurred to have put me there even when it was gone. At the time I decided, "I sleep differently, and it feels different when I sleep, much smoother, much more unvarying, this is not necessarily good. It's smoother at a different level than "smooth" and peaceful sleep usually is."

In other words, the average sleep, especially in the morning hours, at least mine, tends to vary in levels of awareness (like brainwave states), at least I'm guessing. Not to say I wake up; hard to explain; I never noticed this until it didn't happen. My sleep suddenly wasn't varying at all, like not one smidgeon, it was as if it was artificially programmed at a certain place and that programmed place got my attention, because it does not exactly match the "place" where that kind of deep smooth sleep would happen normally. I can tell the difference. It's not just that I was sleeping "well" like as a result of being tired. It feels specifically different. I was thinking I was imagining it, but after a week or so of this I didn't think so anymore.

Now it's evolved to something much worse.

You know, generally when the alarm goes off, even if I'm in the twilight zone, my body knows what to do. I know it's an alarm, I've heard one nearly every day for decades. Maybe on occasion I'm so exhausted or deep it's like penetrating a curtain to bring myself out of it.

But lately, when my alarm goes off in the morning, the sound penetrates (eventually), and yet I don't know what it is. I have no idea. I don't know who I am. I don't even know what I am. I don't know where I am. I don't know what that noise is, or what it means. It's as if I'm simply not able to access parts of my brain for data. Complete disorientation.

Not only that, but I don't know what's around me. It's not simply unfamiliar, it's foreign beyond my comprehension. I don't even have the concept of "bed" or any such thing, and look in confusion at the shapes surrounding me (my canopy bed). I don't even contain the "concept" of shapes separate from me. And in fact, when I look at them, I can't really even make out the shapes clearly at first. I don't get it. It's not about vision, it's about interpretation. It's like... maybe they're not solid, or they're not steady-solid, or... like if I were a Flatlander trying to grok something 3D and not quite making it...

When my alarm is going off, I can be wide awake, my eyes open from the sound, but I won't be able to comprehend that the sound is an alarm, or what I'm supposed to do about it (except that it bugs me). I finally can focus on the "thing" the sound seems to be coming from (the whole concept of separate "things" itself has to come first, mind you, and it's a big evolution, not to mention my spacial relationship to the alarm), and then I have to develop the realization that I have arms, and then that they are under my control and can be used to communicate (touch) the alarm, and then often I literally pound and grunt like a confused ape on the box until I usually knock it off and it pulls the plug out of the wall.

I'm normally not a deep sleeper -- at all. And it can take me up to an hour or two hours, of being fully wide awake, to finally gradually "get my Self back." I almost have to learn to use my body again, like I've no awareness of it, and I finally realize I have these things (that are limbs), that are connected to my intent to stop the sound, to bash it with...

Sometimes I accidentally hit the sleep button while bashing the clock and if I happen to hit the delay-"sleep" button, often it can go off many, many times with the whole thing repeated, and I don't change! My mind doesn't come back! It can be hours before any time, place, space, or object, not to mention my own identity, has any concept at all attached to it, and that's once I can see and interpret them clearly mind you.

To say this is scary is an understatement. It's terrifying. Even the most basic and obvious psychological issues, like the concepts of things, of something separate from me, of having an actual body, it takes awhile just to figure out this stuff so that I can visually see it clearly, and even then most of it, like shapes, I don't interpret in any way, they are as baffling to me as a completely foreign language is to somebody, and they have no concepts assigned to them whatsoever. It's like being dropped into a strange world that is beyond all comprehension.

Needless to say, it makes one late for work...! I've gotten in trouble, since I'm the one with the keys to work, for being hours late, and no damned wonder! I open the building in the morning, and me not showing up can hardly go unnoticed! It's so unprofessional. I'm so humiliated, and by the time I finally get my brain together to figure out what's going on, I'm usually crying in sheer terror and confusion, and then I finally come around and end up crying in frustration, feeling it's so unfair, because I'm so damned late for work. What can I say? What's my excuse? Even I don't understand.

I don't even want to go into how bewildering it was the first time I began spontaneously crying in the middle of this, and spent at least an hour trying to grasp the concept of wetness with my fingers, like a totally novel experience...

I told someone this and she pointed out that there is a sleep disorder related to "disorientation." That it could have the degree of disorientation I described is difficult for me to believe. In fact, it's impossible for me to believe, I don't buy it for a minute. Her comment was that I could have never had it before, and never have it again, and only have it descend on me for a week, or be sporadic. (Gee, how convenient: this wraps up every possible symptom a person could ever have in this area and invalidates it as something that's merely a physical blip and means nothing.)

But ok.... say I'm willing to consider that this may be merely a sleep disorder. I tend to wonder though, even if that's the case: If that IS a sleep disorder, what causes that? We accept symptoms of physical happenings, from disease to sleep disorders, as if they were causes. There is a reason a person has a sleep disorder. Is the fact that people have had disorders and it's been documented mean that my experience is a mere trivial physical detail? Or could it mean that other people are having experiences which in their side-effects can sometimes create this sleep disorder? I don't know what experience could create it. I just feel that in my case, it's... deliberate. On purpose. Like it's being done to me.

After a time I dug up this old alarm, with a 'loud' setting, that no joke is so loud that once it went off when I was across the house, midday (I had just plugged it in, planning to use it merely as a clock in the kitchen, not an alarm), and my heart actually skipped a beat. My heart hurt it scared me so bad, and that's at a distance. It's so loud it ought to be illegal, there must be something wrong with it. I grabbed it and have been using that. A neighbor from some ways away complained that it woke them up and nearly gave them a heart attack and it went off for eons... Says she pounded on my door the other day, hard, yelling, trying to get me to turn it off. I sleep right next to the door now that my bed's in the living room, so I was spaced through her, too. Now since I'm normally a light sleeper, and since I actually feel I'm getting enough sleep lately -- for once! -- none of this makes any sense to me!

Thing is... well... lately I've been talking and writing to some people about my experiences, you know? Just sort of dipping one toe into it, sharing just a little, kind of testing people out. So I've been telling a story or two. And some experiences (I mean some entities), more than others, I have this... well, I guess it's a superstition that maybe I shouldn't be saying anything. Even consciously I stop myself, and wonder if I'm going to "get in trouble" for saying anything. It's illogical. Like the black triangle guy, definitely, that's the main one. And that my deliberately ignoring that feeling, even though it was strong enough to be a conscious realization even at the time, was in some manner... I don't know. Like I was being a bad kid, or something. Stupid, I know. But some part of me feels almost as if either (a) "they" are "showing me who's really in control," or (b) "they" are punishing me -- either here, or while I'm there for something, that lasts even into the "here"-ness.

I don't know. Gods, I sound like a 'loon! But I have to wonder... if maybe an overdose of something like that oxygen-mask thing could knock out your brain or something? I remember having the feeling it was worse than just making me unconscious, that it was actually a very bad thing for me, when I encountered it. Is it possible that something that happens over "there" and doesn't always seem fully physical could in fact be physical or, affect my physical body here -- even if it's not?

I hate to even go on about it. I feel so stupid. But for some reason I've just got it into my head that "technology" has something to do with this. Not metaphysics but something quite earthly-real. I feel absolutely sure it's something "artificial" causing this. It feels artificial, I don't know how to describe that. Whether it's "continuing" when I should be awake to 'keep' my brain out of commission, or whether it simply hits me so hard at some point that it takes me a long time to recover, I don't know.

Meanwhile, I had read a few of Aleister Crowley's books and decided to petition for membership in the OTO. (As a humorous side note, this is connected to the Gnostic Catholic Church. So who says all the Catholic symbolism was for nothing, haha!) I met and spoke with leaders of a group an hour or two away from me (the nearest), and was accepted for initiation into the zero degree, known as "Minerval." After that, I was given the option of taking the first degree as well, which I did. I'm not allowed, by fraternal oath, to say anything about initiations, or about private Order issues, so that's the end of that subject. But my dreams, my experiences, my realizations and my thoughts belong to me, so that part of things I'll include.

July, 1994

So after my initiation last night I was sleeping on a mattress in someone's living room, and I woke up like when you have an out of body experience, and there were a bunch of other people/entities in the room with me. I realized they'd been there talking to me (and about me) for some time but I'd just gotten aware. I realized some of them had put this gold band around my head, a thin gold circlet, and I knew it had some "great significance" (at least to them).

I asked them where it came from but it seemed to have just "appeared" on me. (By the way, this may sound stupid, but I "feel" as if it's still there.) So I realized it had something to do with my initiation. But it felt like... well I don't think it had the snake thing, but it struck me as Egyptian. And I said, gently to be polite of course because they were obviously confused and I didn't want to hurt their feelings, Well it doesn't seem like this circlet is OTO stuff you know, the only Egyptian thing I've seen with them is that tablet. But they seemed to feel that there had been an "inner" initiation for me, regardless of the outer organization doing it, and this was their symbol/token of my ... progress?

Talk about hilarious: as it turns out, a great deal of my personal symbolism turned out to be Egyptian-related, which was baffling to me, since I was not at all interested in that subject. Moreover, the entities must have thought I was an idiot, because it turns out the Order is quite connected to the Egyptian subject, intensely in fact, I just was so new to the subject at the time that I didn't know it. And I was being so kind, too, haha!

July, 1994

I'd just gotten out of the shower, it was midday on a weekend. I had a towel wrapped around me and sat down in the chair in the living room for awhile, just to relax while I dried, I was going to turn on the TV. But before I could even reach for the remote control, I found myself in some place that seemed, in some sense, almost like a medical lab. Except it was more like... well, more like a psych lab than physical, white and clean. There were numerous people, all exceptionally tall, in the room. With one I had the impression of feminine.

"She" had agreed to give me part of her "memory" and "understandings" and "abilities," in a certain measure... like "from conceptual point X to point X," to be "downloaded" into me by other beings who were mental doctors. She was a very intense but happy Being who made me feel wonderful and energetic, she was showing me places and things. I felt she had light, sandy colored short curly hair... unsure. I don't remember much else.

I 'came to' abruptly, to find I'd been out cold for about 5 whole hours -- and had stood up my boss's wife for an appointment.

I fully expected to "feel" the download, or "remember" or something like that. I was actually looking forward to it, thinking wow, how cosmic! See I figure if I actually get something out of these experiences someday, you know, like wake up speaking Etruscan or something obscure I couldn't have picked up, it'll be some sort of proof. But I see no sign of it at all! No difference at all. I don't know if it worked or not.

The impression of being "downloaded" with various things is not uncommon for me, and now that I've talked to some others about this subject, is apparently not uncommon period. I am never, however, clear on what exactly the content is. This is the clearest I'd ever been.

*

Now and then I would have an experience where I would see somebody that I knew. There was L., a friend involved with both magick and the "alien" subject, and once in awhile I would encounter him "there." The only time I remember clearly enough to spell out is the time when:

...from a distance I saw him calmly get into this box, like a coffin, sort of a horizontal version of the closets that fill with the blue gel-stuff, and it filled with the liquid. I ran to him but the box vanished into thin air before I got there. At the time I didn't understand what was going on (I wasn't lucid), and although the box disappeared, I was searching for him, thinking he had to be somewhere near, although he (and the box) was gone.

Next scene (non-linear) I found this family of women, sisters. There were half a dozen or so, don't remember the exact number, and they were all different ages. The youngest was perhaps 7 years old, blonde, sweet looking and yet far too intelligent and confident for a child. I asked her where L. had gone and she didn't answer me. I was afraid for him; I grabbed her and shook her until her teeth all but rattled, demanding that she tell me immediately. It didn't seem to hurt or even bother her; she just extricated herself from my grip, looked at me calmly and walked away, leaving me baffled.

When I told L. this story, he and his wife burst out laughing. They said they regularly worked with someone in this "place" fitting this exact description, whom they call Madimi. A young blonde girl-child, said to be related somehow to the 'seven sisters' mythology. Whether it's actually the entity known by that name (in Enochian magick) or not, I don't know; I hadn't read enough on that subject yet to know of her, but she fits the description. (Coincidentally, I read about her within days.) Considering she's supposed to be an angel, I guess my behavior was a bit out of line, eh.

It was interesting to me that not only was there a specific entity already documented matching one I'd met -- and that is hardly a common description -- but that L. and his wife recognized my description of a number of elements, including her. The concept of meeting people I actually knew there seemed amazing.

*

Once I began, however tentatively, talking about my experiences, I promptly became almost a focal point for a few folks on a Crusade to Convince. There's two groups that are the most fervent: one that simply insists aliens are Genetic Stealing Bad Guys and there is nothing more, no other serious entities, nothing else to consider, no evolution: just one group of bad guys who look like any number of things and whose sole goal is your genetic material. The other group actually thinks aliens are Demons, whose goal is your soul, or genetics, or both. I met the first group first.

In an effort to help me, save me, and educate me, they scared me. They were convinced that in fact, I was not evolving, nor meeting a wide range of beings, but was being terribly victimized. They were convinced that every blonde or humanoid entity I met was a "Nordic," who are supposedly bad guys. (Then how come angels, and my "higher self," and my other-aspect look like that?) Any creature shorter than 6' tall was a "grey," that's the thing with the big black eyes on that book (by Streiber) that everybody's seen. And the bugs were a "Mantis," this being similar in description to the tall woman with the guns, or the telepathic bug, whatever. They said any other creature I believed I had met was, in fact, a delusion created by one of the above three, in their opinion.

I was faced with a dilemma. I didn't share this point of view. The terms assigned to the entities I met only confused me, because on one hand it gave it all great value that amazingly enough, somebody else had encountered the same entities! What a trip! And how validating! On the other hand, it made me feel that perhaps I was more confused than I realized. Here I thought I was evolving in my consciousness, when really they just wanted my ovarian eggs?

I thought, well if they want my eggs, they can have them. I don't care, I don't have any plans for them. I really don't take that sort of thing personally, although apparently most people do. To many of these folks, merely being somewhere else was enough of a personal crime against them to warrant anything from religious intervention to death to the entities. I was baffled. Why is this bad? I thought being in "their world" was kind of interesting, and thought it was a sign that my consciousness was expanding or something. At worst, even when I got beat up, I didn't really take it personally once I "came to" later.

As for the genetic stuff, I've very few memories that are like this. And like I said, if that's what they need, well, fine I guess. It's not that it's fine because I like the idea; I don't. I say it's fine because frankly, if that is their goal, I don't think there's a damned thing I can do about it. If I can't change it, I may as well learn to make the best of things. Some of these folks take a stance best compared to the old "better Dead than Red" slogan. But I figured if we were a slave race, ok, then I'm going to train to be a bilingual slave that works in the parlor and is friendly and content. If they were good guys, I could continue the interesting evolution; if they were bad guys, I would be in a better position, knowing more about them and communicating better, to escape or help others or whatever.

The people preaching to me despised this and were sure I'd merely been brainwashed by The Wicked Aliens Who Manipulate Your Brain. They treated me like a demon in their midst, and they treated my positive view of things with a loathing usually reserved for child molesting ax murderers. I mean the intensity of these folk's emotion was astounding! It was as if my merely having a different point of view was personally threatening to them, to their groups, to their own experiences, and to their own claims of victimization.

I confess: I don't want to be a victim. Like most everyone, I've had things one could consider victimizing happen to me in my life. So what? I've always said that victimization is not what happens to you: it is a state of mind. My answer is, don't take it personally, you'll deal with it much better. It just happened, like some things just "are," and I don't assign any positive or negative to most things as if it's some cosmic objective definition. My subjective perception enjoys something or doesn't. But that doesn't have anything to do with the inherent quality of the thing itself. This type of logic completely eluded them, of course.

I met one fellow who became a regular acquaintance. His much greater experience in the field than I had made me willing to take him seriously... for a time. He later demonstrated what I could only call a paranoid schizophrenia, but to some degree it's hard to separate legitimate things connected to this field with mental problems, I confess, and they may be related, which is not to say they're the same thing... but I would venture that either experience (metaphysics/aliens or insanity) provides a few similar psychological side effects. He had some good points, he did, I must admit that. He turned out to be right about a few things, but I don't know that this is related to him so much as his having studied this field, and I was ignorant and totally amazed, so he just knew more than I did about it.

Letter, August, 1994

My dreams, meditations, and "experiences" which sometimes blur into each other continue daily sometimes as well as nightly. I have taken your talk seriously and tried to consider your point and view things from that perspective. But I still have no experiences which support your theory (though it may be true for you), and I still fail to see anything negative in this or in the Beings who work with me.

I've met a lot of entities lately who are so very tall compared to me (I'm 5'6) at least a foot or two taller if not more - that's sort of a new phase, I don't know if that relates to anything, I just thought I'd mention it.

Initially, if I'm going to try to separate 'metaphysics' from 'aliens' I'd say that in the "alien" world -- at least, the aspects of my dream life that I've found other people are also describing -- I've encountered mostly children, or short people, and some blonde "normals," men. Then they were the blondes mostly, usually men, and "me" the blonde (that aspect of me), though they still occasionally are, with an occasional grey thing thrown in which always appears as a different creature than an "alien" (a weird animal or some such) but which was pretty easily recognizable as my own "guising" upon coming to or awakening. Oh yeah, and the telepathic bugs. (Oh, brother.)

But now they're mainly very tall people, usually dark in some way but not always. For the ones lately, the dusky dark ones, they're always brilliant, unlike the short folks and kids which are so sweet and kinda skinny-fragile. So far all of these tall and dark guys have felt like some form of "relation" to me... I don't understand that. I also seem to BE one of the blondes on some other "aspect of me" level. Sorry, I know you say they're jerks. But there's some familial relation to the others as well. Maybe telepathy just creates that feeling, no matter who it is?

Last night (they always seem "vaguely human" to me, my own "guising" as some call it, I suppose) the entity I met was a male who was "vaguely asian" (?) go figure. Not so much in looks as in concept... and sort of dark skinned in some way I can never explain. I couldn't actually see him well, I have some sort of block. Very compelling, very intelligent, and fiercely charismatic. He seemed to feel like he was my "family," or something and it was "time for him to educate me."

Then we were talking about aliens, ha, how convenient! I don't remember what he was saying, but he was explaining something to me and dragging me all over the place and showing me stuff, pictures on screens, introducing entities who were standing around and in other rooms, and giving me explanations, I have no idea what the detail was, but it was like a whirlwind tour of the facts or something. (Big help, since my brain is a sieve and I don't remember them! I hate that!)

This is related to something that startled me. Over a year later I was having a discussion with an acquaintance, an intelligent woman I grew to really like. Our experiences and our interpretation of things turned out to be remarkably similar in many areas. Her name was Meryl and she lived in New York, and we were quite different in description as people, yet with a haunting and even disturbing familiarity of experience.

Then she told me a story that about knocked my socks off. Not the story itself, a brief mention if anything, but my relation to it. She said that she had had an amazingly similar experience to the above, of a tall entity (who was her family) "educating her," leading her quickly around what she interpreted as a ship, looking at pictures on screens and introducing her to entities, et al. And then she told me a story of hers also connected, how she had been shown a baby by one of the "Tall Skinny Ones," and how she had promised to kill him if he ever mistreated the baby. She said it was quite unlike her in personality. The entity quietly agreed.

It wasn't until she spelled it out that I remember what I can only describe as the exact experience. I don't mean I remember something similar, I mean the way she worded it while recounting it (I don't remember the exact words), I remember that exact experience. There's no clear way to describe this except to say that I really felt we were talking about the same experience. She related a couple of other experiences, both of which I also found disturbingly familiar, as familiar as my tale was to her.

Now since she and I both have memories of "downloads," I was suddenly struck by this. What if we are remembering the same memory? I don't mean she and I are psychic. I mean, what if we have both been downloaded the same memory? Of course it would seem like us, and as if it had happened to us -- any memory you experience would. Having a memory would be like having an emotion -- regardless of where it originated, regardless of the fact that it could even be just a chemical injection, once you have it, it's yours.

I couldn't shake the feeling that this memory was not unique, and that she and I, very similar in thinking patterns and attitude about all this, as far away from each other as New York and California, somehow had the identical memory. I really didn't feel it was just my suggestibility -- if I were that suggestible I'd have been as nutso as everybody else in the field long before, and while objectively I could label myself, I was nowhere near some of the other folks in this field for strangeness. It made me stop and think about things for awhile.

*

Even on the "metaphysical" front, the part that isn't in any danger of being confused with aliens, I found bits and pieces of my own life reflected here and there in other people's accounts. I should have looked sooner: it was such a relief, some kind of grounding, to know it was a common experience. From the "Nothingness" that magicians might call "The Abyss," to the "Geometric Conceptual Linguistics" that someone later told me was likely "the Angelic language," nothing I found so novel seemed to be particularly new to others.

August, 1994

I read Crowley's description of his "star sponge" experience in Book 4, and I'm wondering if this was some alternate version of my "learning to read." Although in my case I felt I was being taught to read/"grok" (in a fuller form), he mentions no such thing, in fact really doesn't mention anything like I experienced except the stars part... but who knows, somehow it reminded me. The star thing reminds me of the geometric conceptual language thing too, as if somehow it's all the same thing, now I've taken to calling that star-geometry.

Don't think I've seen anything yet where Crowley mentions that, though.

My intense, personal love for, and "understanding" of Crowley continues. I don't get it. I almost 'pre-channel' his stuff but certainly not in whole chapters like I did that Seth book. It's more like... he's part of me. Or as if he 'fragmented' himself, and the "I" am actually a fragment of him. Sometimes just thinking of him it's like my heart hurts with a need to express it physically. If he were here, I would attack him and have sex with him. (?!) It makes no sense! Criminy I've never bought into the guru thing -- and in some ways he's so desperately dark, and as an older man (in photos) is surely the most unattractive individual I've ever laid eyes on.

But I just can't shake the superstition, I guess it might be, that I was dumped into the Order and his work and everything for some important reason.

What I can't grok is what the hell it has to do with any of the other junk in my life. What do the blondes -- whom some say are aliens -- and the bugs and such have to do with magick? And if these are all part of the "Aethyrs," or some other part of magick, then why do they so often fit the "alien" scenario? Magicians should get over themselves already. These guys don't seem like they need to be "summoned" -- they seem pretty damn capable of bringing themselves here to me!

August, 1994

I'm not getting nabbed very often anymore at night, often I actually get sleep, it's so incredibly nice. I've been using the peaceful time to read and such. I've been reading that Book of the Law of Crowley's, and it's so weird; the words themselves bug me, I mean they really kind of piss me off to be honest, I can't read it without emotion, and yet, I'm constantly having these spontaneous insights and visions that don't seem to have anything to do with the words on the surface, but then when they're through I see the whole reasoning and it makes sense.

I've been clinging to the book like I love it, like my heart wants to send out energy and just wrap around it, not quite the same as I did with Crowley's other stuff but very similar. I have such a tremendous, growing draw to the book it's bizarre. I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes, and running through my head will be thoughts from it, in three dimensional forms, like O Nuit, continuous one of heaven, let it be ever thus: that men speak not of thee as one, but as none... or more abstract stuff like every number is infinite: there is no difference... which seems to mean something truly cosmic and foundational in so many different directions I can't count them.

Even when in a seemingly separate field altogether, I would occasionally encounter little notes that all but stopped my heart and made me reconsider the possible connections between all the subjects that seemed to be combined in my life.

Letter, August, 1994

I found that Crowley has a funny line in one of the "holy books" where he rants something like, "I will spear thee, my little grey god!" For a guy who's said to have traveled dimensions (or "Aethyrs") and considered it science as much as religion, this line strikes me as interesting.

Back to surreality briefly. I had mentioned earlier how "the world went surreal" from time to time, back in the early stages of my development. My email friend -- the one who had the memories I suspected I shared -- wrote about the same thing: that sometimes it was like stepping into a separate but simultaneous reality. You could encounter people in reality A, who can't figure out what you're doing in reality B, and it can go on for hours, sometimes an entire day. It's nearly impossible to describe, but for anyone who has experienced it, they recognize the description right away. This is one of the many things that continues to confuse me beyond words. It's weird enough to have "dreams that are real;" having a reality that seems to be a dream is mind boggling. And meeting someone else who is extremely intelligent, rational, and successful who shares the same experiences... well, it's tremendously validating, but in a way it only makes me feel more amazed.

*

Eventually I got to meet the next sector of UFO believers: those who were convinced that Aliens were in fact either Demons (from a strictly Christian point of view), or other hybridizations of Christian philosophy, including (at the least) that there is a Good vs. Evil involved, and that the "Nordics" and the "Greys" were not merely after genetic materials for the sake of creating bodies, but for the sake of creating souls. Funny thing was, some people managed to fit in nearly every category. I tried to escape, but there was no way to communicate and do so.

Letter, August, 1994

You know, this "religious" affiliation with the whole subject makes me nervous. I don't mean spiritual, in the sense that to me, if this isn't fully physical all the time then it must be "metaphysical" so I always have it in that category.

But this determination that EVIL is involved (as opposed to merely "conflicting intentions") makes me wary. It seems to me that a lot of supposed Atheists are really the same proletarian personality profile as fundamentalists, and they're just using aliens instead of the devil or whatever for their good-evil war games and Reason To Feel Special.

Feeling that a group are "the bad guys" is one thing; anybody who has goals different from ours fits that category. But feeling they are "evil" is another. It implies a completely different perspective of things. I don't even believe in good and evil, though I do of course understand desirable and not desirable. From my point of view, harm to me is NOT desirable. I can call that evil if I want, but that's a subjective interpretation. From the point of view of the other it probably doesn't even apply. "Evil" implies there is some universal right/wrong that one knows more than every other entity in existence; it's a concept I associate with religion and don't buy into. If I were to use the concepts of what is said to make these guys evil, then based on this planet's history and evolution, I would say humans are evil. Failing that, I just don't see any use for the term at all.

I simply can't find this rational. I find it dangerous. And I find it to be too similar to religious cults -- no matter that supposed Atheists are involved, it's the same personality -- to be happy about it.

So. Out of billions of people on the planet, can you explain why you and I are so popular with the so-called "Aliens?" It doesn't make much sense to me, and the question just struck me today. And you know, the fact that you got bopped with this stuff just as I had my walk in realization doesn't seem like coincidence. That we live near each other might have something to do with it. But it's too weird. I've met a lot of other people that just "woke up" to being a walk in, through '93 till now, or who just began having all these experiences in the last year or so -- coincidence?

Frankly I don't think I spend every night and some days having eggs pulled out of my body. (I don't ever remember that. Although even if I did, I wouldn't assume it was bad. I would simply assume they had some reason they considered valid for needing to obtain it. Killing me or trying to, this I would consider threatening. Taking something they needed I would consider annoying, more so if it hurt me, but that's not personal on their part, it's just what they need.)

When I got tagged I took that personally and freaked out for days, not in anger but in shock, because I hadn't really believed all this was happening except on "spiritual" or mental levels until that point and that really threw it in my face with no denial possible. And of course they really hurt my knee, but after all they did come back and fix it... and I knew it was an accident, and their fixing it was a totally groovy 4D experience that felt wonderful (if bizarre), so I have a hard time being mad about that. (I confess dark suspicions once crossed my mind that the whole thing was to put me in the position of childlike emotional dependency on them, but I decided I'd been spending too much time reading your posts and was merely paranoid, haha!)

Still, I have chronic experiences (I feel like I'm living some kind of double life here!) and most of them appear educational. I am not suggesting that they are educating me only for the good of mankind or anything stupid like that. I'm not very altruistic and seldom suspect others of being so. I'm more inclined to agree with you that if they are doing so, they are doing so for their own cause in some way.

However, that does not mean that their personal goals are incompatible with mine or humanity's. Maybe some groups have incompatible goals, if some of these guys are what you make out. But I'm of the "many species and dimensions" theory... it takes more than somebody else's word to convince a person, when my own experience has been nothing but positive. Anyway, if their goal in life is my genetic material, I don't see why I would work with them so consistently and on so many other things. And if they want my genetic material, fine. Frankly, so what.

All the possibilities sound equally ridiculous, and that doesn't even start on how ridiculous the whole subject is to begin with. But I don't get the evil part attached to any species. All the folks with a couple of exceptions seem only wonderful to me.

The minor "psi" type stuff continued sporadically, and unpredictably. One weekend afternoon, I was driving around town doing personal errands. While making a right turn at one intersection, I was suddenly struck by this rush of panic, overwhelmed by this sudden feeling of horror and fear, and I slammed on my brakes. I thought for a moment I'd hit somebody (a pedestrian). Someone small, like a child. Fortunately nobody was behind me! Shaking my head at myself, I drove on and had forgotten about it when, an hour later, I found myself at a gas station right across the street. Hearing a screech and shouts, I turned to see that somebody making a right turn, where I had, had hit this little boy stepping off the curb into the crosswalk. I knew that I had shared the driver's horror. I was shaken. That kind of thing got more common.

Then I decided I'd really become crazy-by-the-book when I began to see spots. Usually cobalt, that purple-blue, but sometimes yellow-gold. I happened to be visiting a friend one night, who was having a meditation class, and mentioned this. "Oh, sure," they all said, as if I had mentioned something like the weather. "Get those all the time." I left shaking my head. Either a much larger portion of the world is offbeat than psychologists realize, or their definition of what certain symptoms belong to (and how common they are) needs some serious revamping.

So last I heard, from someone expert in the matters of meditation and such, this is common, it's just one of the many varied anomalies that come with a developing of one's consciousness, in particular visuals, like the "third eye" chakra. In the West, you're crazy; in the East, they'd understand.

*

When I was a kid, I occasionally dreamed things before they happened. Not precognition really, because I usually wouldn't remember the dream until the event was happening. At times I'd remember it just a few moments before, and would know what was coming, but otherwise, it was simultaneous enough to make me doubt myself. It was never a big deal though, I mean it was never anything important.

But brief flashes of this kind of thing returned to my life. Also, sometimes I would have such intense "deja-vu" that I would know everything that was going to happen, every word just a few moments before it was spoken, for hours. It would happen sporadically, like at work, and I would always slow down a bit, in the wonderment of it. After awhile it started disturbing me, and I would deliberately do something to "break the chain," to say something different than I knew was "the pattern," but that didn't seem to help or hurt either way. If I were drastic enough in the change, it usually made the deja-vu stop immediately. Otherwise it diminished until gone.

Miscellaneous symptoms continued.

Letter, August, 1994

I was sitting in my chair a little while ago, waiting for my lunch to cook, and I got "pulled into" an immediate, intense dream I guess, where I was in my car, going through an intersection, and just realized that I was about to be crashed into, by another car coming from the right, I think a little red car, and in a fit of adrenalin I slammed my foot down against the gas to try and accelerate out of the way, which is the movement that snapped me out of it and left me breathing hard, eyes wide and heart pounding.

Reminds me. Once in a feeling similar to this but way deeper, there was this guy, he'd been in a car crash, and his car had skidded onto these railroad tracks -- and there was a train coming, and in a very short time he was going to be dead for sure. But the car accident had sort of knocked him silly, he was dazed, maybe hit his head or something. And I went "inside" him like a ghost or something, and I tried and tried to get him to wake up. I used more "Will" than I've ever had to use for almost anything excepting a couple of very deep experiences. I was trying to help him, to "will" him into enough consciousness that I could help him get the car out of the way before the train got there, to save him. I don't know whether I succeeded or not.

Sometimes I just wonder if these could be 'real.' I mean real like in this reality, like in the first one, I'm picking up on somebody else's experience somewhere?

Alas, it was not to be. The first incident, exactly as described, including quite a few details that were included that I didn't describe, happened to me over a year later. I was stunned because after I and the other driver made sure we weren't hurt (it was mild), I recognized the entire setting as identical to my memory of the spontaneous dream of so long before. I wasn't sure, did experiencing such a thing in "sudden waking dream" form cause me to somehow create it? Or did the abrupt adrenalized emotion of the incident make an impression on some kind of "astral ether" that in a moment of sensitivity, I picked up? I'm sure hoping the train memory isn't me!



Bewilderness is copyright © 1993 to present to Palyne "PJ" Gaenir (palyne.com). See bewilderness.com.


Palyne Gaenir currently operates The Dojo Psi. If you have an interest in remote viewing, ESP / psychic stuff, or science research related to that, feel welcome to visit. The dojo home page links to public projects it sponsors for remote viewing online. There is a Dojo Psi Remote Viewing Library site also. Palyne previously built the Firedocs Remote Viewing Collection. From 2003 onward she's been involved with the Ten Thousand Roads Remote Viewing and Dowsing Project, which is sponsored by the dojo; it has a hands-on remote viewing site, a big remote viewing discussion forum, and more.