by PJ Gaenir

June 11, 1999

Hi everyone.

Well, July 4th will be a year since I 'retired' from the RV field. Funny, it seems longer since I've been "involved" with it... it's pretty distant. When I quit doing RV stuff, the first thing I wondered was what on earth I was supposed to do with all my now-free time... but of course, that didn't take long to fill. I'm as busy as I ever was, just with other things. Some great things: like my little girl. Some good things: my job, which I enjoy. As always I am learning a lot and enjoying life pretty well. I have a number of new projects underway that are aimed at scientific psi research, and making it more available to the public, and I'll post something here about the various web sites related to this -- and my own layman's version if it exists -- later.

I thought I would write a couple of notes on the firedocs site, partly because it's been so long since I did, and partly to touch base with lots of people I miss corresponding with on the old VWR email list. I've had a lot of questions since I 'retired' from the subject, most of which I've ignored. Sorry... too much email. But maybe I can answer a few here. I've also not got half of firedocs back online... probably never will. Sorry, that's just the way it is. I begged for help, I even offered to pay from my own pocket, to get the info online, and nobody wanted to help me at the time, so, it can rest in peace on my hard drive for eternity, and the world will still go on.

Questions I should answer.

In retrospect: No, I don't miss the field... I mean, the politics, the media that never seems to go away. I am amazed that the same people and issues (the same insanity) that was such a headache years ago is yet still in the forefront of the media (thanks to Art Bell). My estimation of the average intelligence of humanity falls another few points. Well, what can you do. As for the people in the field, some were my friends, so my leaving RV doesn't affect that much. Some, as a result, I talk to seldom. A couple have become even better friends. As for the public's involvement, most of them were gone to me once I left RV. Many wrote me private email, which being overwhelmed, burned out and busy, I ignored. It doesn't take much of that for someone to give up hope and quit writing you. I hope nobody took it personally. I do rather miss the many pals I made online, on BBS's and the VWR email group.

My own RV work: I did a number of ongoing sessions in RV once I retired, to begin working on the practice of it. Being obsessive- compulsive (just a tad), of course I had an all-or-nothing approach, and took myself far too seriously. (Free advice: don't take yourself too seriously.) Lesson 1: Psychology is the #1 thing in the way of doing RV, let alone doing it well. Lesson 2: Until you really start doing sessions on your own and really getting to know how your mind works -- which will never happen while you're working in someone else's paint-by-number structure by the way, where you're taught don't think, don't analyze, just write it down and move on -- you really don't know how your mind works or how that info comes through.

Once you start realizing how it's happening, the whole 'structure' of organized methods wobbles and then falls, and the idealism of the follow-the-leader thing comes crashing down. Methods are a great training-wheels tool for beginners -- but fail miserably to address the Self and Individual involved. What seemed so proper before began to seem ridiculous.

"Don't analyze" -- BOSH! ANALYZE EVERYTHING! Just don't confuse yourself by analyzing and coming to conclusions about DATA. It's the "lust for result" as Crowley put it, that ruins sessions. Don't jump to conclusions about data. Get out of that need for control and fear of not having it. RV is like sex. If you go into it for the end result, your end result probably won't be so great. But if you enjoy the hell out of the process of it, your end result will be a lot better, and you'll understand a lot more about yourself. The goal in practicing (as Buchanan always said, now I understand) is to learn about yourself, and (as McMoneagle always said, now I understand) "how your mind works."

Analyze yourself. And why you got certain data. And what it reminds you of. And what the target was last time you saw that data. And how it came to you. And what that means. And how you feel about it. Screw accuracy when you're practicing, the point of feedback is to show you what your mind produced compared to the target -- then THE REAL WORK comes in, which is figuring out WHY and HOW your mind got the answers it did. Until you can get a handle on that, until you can recognize your own mental processing well enough to get INTO the process AS its happening and see what your mind is changing and make it stop, or interpret the symbolic result, or whatever, you're not going to understand yourself... or have a chance at really good end results consistently.

The most astonishing thing I learned is that a huge % of my data was actually audio data. In my head. I don't mean audio of the site although that can and did happen. I mean, what I can only call "aspects of myself" literally having conversations with each other that I could get pieces of or even hear, or outright TELLING ME about some aspect of the target, etc. Holy tamales! I'd never really considered this before.

Aspects of me also seemed to be just as destructive to final accuracy, acting like dream-time minds, taking something and twisting it into some psychologically-connected, almost free-association, different answer.

If I was in the right state of mind, I could HEAR them. I could actually sense my mind taking something and trying to MAKE IT into an "aol" -- an "analytical overlay" -- and sometimes I could stop the process before it even began. Remote Viewing sounds like a visual process. Most people try to make it one. It's well known that visuals tend to be the *least* accurate. But I didn't expect that so much of the data would be not just 'sensed' but literally audible. Mom, I'm hearing voices in my head! Yes indeed.

I also had a strong tendency to pick up on the concept that every "thing" is "an idea incarnate." I would pick up on how the architect felt about something. If you consider any given component of a target part of a dream, and say, "symbolically, what role does this thing play in this environment?", I would get that kind of data too -- as if the whole of reality is a giant dream, is entirely symbolic just like a dream, and can be perceived that way.

All of this usually happened when I was, as the TMrs called it when I was learning that eons ago, "transcended." The scientific term for "transcended" is "spaced out," if you must know. Haha. It was when I quit 'trying to' see or sense; when I moved into a zone I recognize best as being basically self-hypnotized, a little bit blank, still carrying "underneath" that intent to query as a driving force, but on the top level, allowing myself to get a little blank.... and then I started to see and hear.

But what I saw and heard didn't always make much sense to me, because it was fragments and processes moving SO FAST that I realized many times, with disappointment, that a thought process requiring many steps, taking data from one thing to another and then to oblivion, had run right past me and I hadn't been able to catch it. And everything, everything in pieces. Like a given target is actually so many pieces, so many energies, each their own life and concept, and every piece is something my mind has to interpret. It's not like my mind encountering one target. It's like my mind encountering a million components of a target and having to sort through quite a few of them. What my mind got as singular was usually the concept behind the target. S4 stuff. Does it bring people together conceptually, does it function as a thoroughway for passage, does it make mankind dream of one thing but lose control of his goal and destiny, whatever.

Now, most people encountering some of this, I think, would probably attribute voices and such to "guides" in the new-age sense. They'd all get names, they'd all be old dead indians or something. Hell, maybe they are, how would I know.

I've always been the no-nonsense one, telling people RV was so logical and down to earth.

Well, I have news. Any set of methods you can put on paper can be made logical. But humans, the creature, the spirit, do not fit into that little box. We defy all the norms of reality and good sense and every human is a whole universe to explore all on their own. I don't care how psi worked for John Doe who came before. In my reality, it is totally dependent on ME and how I process things. And I am a totally unique creature. Nobody knows me.

I don't even know me, is what I began to realize. I knew less about the tricks and tendencies and totally new ways I became aware of my mind working in, than I know about Etruscan culture. I'm a total stranger to myself, I realized.

If you listen closely, you hear your world. Reality around you. Those voices don't just go on when an RV session happens. They are always there. Those pieces of me are always thinking... and interacting... and living out their own lives, so to speak. It's just that I don't normally hear them or pay attention. They have something to say about everything, and everyone. And the symbology, holy cats... a passing stranger wearing a certain color, the mind wants to go dwell on the symbolic significance of that... it wants to show me how every part of a personality can be seen so painfully clearly, obviously, just from looking at someone, if you look right. We wear our insides on our outsides and depend on everybody else being too blind to notice. The mind just won't shut up. It is so busy, to the person, it's just exhausting.

The aspects of me don't just sometimes screw up RV session data by using my psychology to "ride" that input to a different concept like a daydream that is real life experience to them. They screw up my experience of reality in the same way. And they save me in the same ways. The same fragments of voices and senses helping me decipher a target are there all the time, helping me with information about all of reality. If I want to hear.

Psi, like creativity, does not come between 5 and 7pm on weekdays when it is convenient. It does not stay put like an obedient dog, waiting for you to do an RV session. I am convinced this is one of the primary reasons that more people do not manifest more skill, actually: because psi is like a "river of awareness" that flows through you all the time. You open those flood gates and there it is. If you, on any level (even subconsciously), do not want to deal with the substantial real-life side-effects that opening to this awareness brings on, then you will not allow yourself to develop into that.

And make no mistake. The word that probably best describes to opening up to all this is "traumatic." That doesn't mean it's bad. That means it is profoundly disturbing to the psyche to have all the inside stuff that has always 'stayed still' and been a dependable focused picture of reality to lean on, to suddenly come to life and be confusing and chaotic and alive in a million pieces and working in a way that contradicts all the supposed laws of cause-effect as we know them. The turbulence is so powerful it can literally feel as if you are shaking on the inside. The psychology does not take this lightly.

If remote viewing and other psychic stuff is something that only happens to you when you sit down for a session, then you have not gotten anywhere with yourself. If you are progressing you will find that all the same dynamics are with you when you're in the shower, or driving to work, or having a conversation. Whether you can pay proper attention to them, whether you can interpret them correctly, that's an entirely different story. And that story has not got one damn thing to do with what side of the paper you write your data on. If chaos in your head that needs sorting and needs attention and if multiple sources of idea need recognition like separate identities in your head and if every tiny parcel of experience processes through you and every step of the process begs for your attention and if this drives you crazy, or makes you fear it could happen, then "real" RV, real psi, is not for you.

For the 99.99% of people who really do NOT want this stuff interfering with their lives -- and who can blame them?! -- it won't. It will be closed from their lives at their silent request -- and from their RV sessions. They will get gestalts, some S2 descriptives and now and then an S4 concept, and they'll feel good about that, and they'll never go anywhere else with it, because they've chosen not to open to the life-sized results that doing this right will bring.

Time passes.

For me, where RV is concerned, psychology is still the #1 issue. I still don't have time to do it, and if I did, I probably wouldn't right now anyway. The entire RV subject, having taken a number of years of 40-80 hrs/wk of my time, so totally aggravated me the last couple of years I was involved with it, that it's been a year since I touched it and I'm still pissed off. The cults. The disinformation. The money. The sheer stupidity of a lot of people. The sheer confusion of a lot more people. I sit down to do an RV session and I'm ticked off. Psychologically, just the whole topic sets me off. And of course, this doesn't work for a session. Either I don't want to do it at all (the usual case), or my knee-jerk response affects my ability to do it right. I 'retired' because I thought if I could get AWAY from it, this would pass. Well, it's been a year, and it hasn't really. That's life. That's my own problem. There are other ways to approach developing yourself besides RV. I very slowly pursue them instead.

Chances are, eventually it WILL pass and I'll move on. In the meantime, I have my own interests and hobbies and family and work, and I'm busy enough with non-RV stuff to not miss it.

Well, a lot of people asked what I learned when I began doing sessions, and where I am now, and what backing off the field has brought in perspective. I hope these (as usual, unedited and off the cuff) notes are some insight into that.


P.S. I've found that somehow, the links at the bottom of the pages aren't working right in many places on the firedocs RV site. If you want to see something, go "home" to the core page and then jump from there. When I get some time I'll go through these and fix them.

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