Fire's Personal Archives

Misc. Personal Articles
October 1997


DERV: DIVINE ELECTRONIC REMOTE VIEWING!

 

You've heard about it!  You've wondered about it!  It's here!  You, too, can be psychic!  For only $4,999 US you can purchase the definitive software package to unwind the secrets of the universe! (Tax not included. License pertains to one human. Upgrade modules for each human and additional packages for separate humans installed with this software must be purchased separately.)

Have you ever wondered what remote viewing is all about?  DERV's fast and easy push-button package can give you the answers to this fascinating topic -- on your computer screen in full color!  For example:

Cosmic Query:
    What is DE Remote Viewing?

a) A method that if you have enough money, teaches you to psychically videotape anybody in their bathroom.

b) A method for prophecying the past and calling it the future and confusing everybody.

c) A method for determining your mate's true sexual orientation.

d) A method for talking to your favorite alien and/or messiah and/or God.*

e) A method for fantasizing about the way you want to see everybody else die.

Cosmically Generated Answer:
    You Get To Choose How Everybody Else Dies.

--Our DERV(TM) evaluator says you are 100% accurate so far.--

Is this great or what?!  Only the most advanced technology could create such a profoundly insightful psychic program, and YOU can be the proud owner!  Imagine how your friends will envy you!

DERV gives you the skills you need to feel Very Important.  And for those who hate the idea of actually working on something, fear not!  Our advanced system has reduced the necessary training time for the average consumer to only one day!  (Unless you buy the Accelerated Module for $24,999 US, which can train you to be "nearly omniscient" in only two minutes.  See packaging for details.)  Our training system is straightforward, based on two decades of military and scientific brilliance, allowing only YOU, the buyer, to know the secrets of this unique technique!  For example:

Cosmic Query:
    What Does DE Remote Viewing Training Entail?

a) You are hypnotized into an external Theta brainwave state, which forces your soul to rush violently out of your forehead, and you commune with angels, aliens, and the interuniversary Akashic Record.  Then you come back into your body and write down the Answers To Everything.

b) You get vague sensories that provide you data, some portion of which is accurate.  Just kidding!  This isn't an option.  In REAL remote viewing, you are ALWAYS accurate!  You can't go wrong!  You know just how to tell when it's your imagination instead of psychically derived data.  Just follow our paint-by-number on-screen plan!

c) You commune with your soul while stars stream past you and orgasmic surges of energy rush through you, and when you're done, you know everything you always wanted to know about your personal spirituality and God.*

d) Former U.S. government intelligence officers disguised as nice guys subject you secretly to microwave mind control frequencies and more, causing you to think you're psychic when really you've become a fractal-personality courier.

e) You try to psychically tune into targets someone else chooses, and then they interpret what you tell them to mean exactly what they were hoping you'd find. This makes you lots of friends and a nice hypnotic dependency on the person leading you through the process.  We're proud to say that after RV training you may never be the same again!


Cosmically Generated Answer:
    You Get Just The Facts Jack About God.

--Our DERV(TM) evaluator says you are 100% accurate so far.--

You can already see how popular this can make you in any social function!  Imagine being able to tell everybody how wrong they are about those religious beliefs they hold, since YOU and ONLY YOU can see inside their soul!  $4,999 is such a small price to pay for popularity.  What were all those philosophers DOING for the last few dozen millenia?!  You can be a Professional Remote Viewer in only one day and tell all those wordy whiners a thing or two!  Imagine how your friends will look up to you with this new cosmic knowledge you've got!  You can track down all the wonders of the ancients.  For example:

Cosmic Query:
    What is the nature of the soul?

a) There is no soul.  We are a genetic accident on a planetary accident in a universe of no meaning.

b) The human soul is an entrapped energy construct held in place through planetary frequency manipulation, policed by reptilian humanoid aliens who feed off negative emotions and occasionally human flesh.

c) The human soul is a genetic half-soul accident due to a bunch of arrogant blonde aliens with souls who wanted monkeys to mine gold for them and couldn't get them to do it without breeding with them to improve their intelligence.

d) The human soul is a random generator that determines destiny.


Cosmically Generated Answer:

    The Soul Determines Our Destiny.

--Our DERV(TM) evaluator says you are 100% accurate so far.--

What INCREDIBLE insight!  What novel ideas!  We're willing to bet you're moved by the stunning display of profound wisdom already.  Even our promotional literature can rock the very foundation of personal belief systems.

But wait, there's more!  For only that $4,999 you ALSO get the DERV Future Training Module!  Yes!  For this one low price you can also find out what your future holds, and everyone else's, too! DERV's user-friendly interface can whip out those answers for you in no time.  You can generate the Truth to the startling questions that have plagued mankind for centuries!  For instance:

Cosmic Query:
    Humanity is destined to:

a) Wear Federation uniforms and battle Klingons.

b) Be overrun by Martian immigrants with bad attitudes.

c) Be whisked off the planet by Grey aliens just prior to earth's doom.

d) Be annihilated.

e) Be annihilated.

f) Be annihilated.


Cosmically Generated Answer:

    You're Going To Be Annihilated.

--Our DERV(TM) evaluator says you are 100% accurate so far.--

Isn't it GREAT knowing the future?  How much more carefree life is when you're not in suspense!

But wait!  For that same low price, you also get the DERV Micro-Detail Module!  What a bargain!  The MDM allows you to not only get the answers to everything, but track down the details of those answers as well.  Your friends and coworkers will just be dying to know what else you can tell them!  For example:

Cosmic SubQuery:
    Humanity's annilation happens how?

a) An overdose on crazy messianic gurus in the media causes species mass suicide as an escape.

b) The whole world learns RV but accidentally tunes into the consciousness of Lemmings, causing mass suicide.

c) Aliens passing by on a comet invite human souls (but not bodies) for a ride, causing mass suicide.

d) Aliens who feel humanity's trashing of the earth is wrong, decide to kill off the earth as human punishment. (Sub-data: Since white industrialized nations have done most of this damage, all death and destruction will begin in black Africa, and specifically NOT in Beverly Hills California USA.)

e) Humans realize the prophecies of future doom (deformed creatures, high winds, etc.) that mean "the end of the world is upon us" have actually been happening for eons.  In panic over not noticing The Second Coming apparently came and went, there is mass suicide.


Cosmically Generated Answer:
    Aliens Kill Earth.

--Our DERV(TM) evaluator says you are 100% accurate so far.--

Just think!  With this kind of divine insight, you too can be the life of any party!

Our program was written with the collaboration of the One and Only Divine Repository of All Military Remote Viewing Knowledge. Major Games has a whole TWO YEARS experience in support and management of people who actually did remote viewing, so there is no better expert to be found.  No other software company brings you this opportunity!

(DERV is a registered, trademarked, copyrighted symbol of our money making cult and you can't have it so there.)

------------

(This is humor and not to be mistaken for anything else!)


Part of the "Mixin' it Up!" Collection
Copyright 1997 PJ Gaenir. All rights reserved.
Other firedocs at
http://www.firedocs.com/remoteviewing/

Permission to reproduce in any form is granted freely as long as no edits, deletions, or modifications are made, the above copyright info and link is included, and the article is presented in full.


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