PJ's Personal Archives

Journal Excerpt [finding me]

{November, 1993}

I came home from work, ate some dinner, and wrote a letter to a friend. I sat down briefly, and found myself abruptly in a vision.

There was this blonde man, who as it turns out, was me. I don't mean he was symbolically me, or 'male energy' of me, or anything like that. I mean I literally shared his perception because we are really one, but we are still separate identities as well. I saw him as "another aspect of me." As if his consciousness is combined with mine but his... perception is slightly... larger. Because he's smarter, I mean, a slightly higher order of species. A separate individual than me in the physical, though, even though we could share our perception at times.

(He reminded me, in a moment of lucidity, very much of a young Rutger Hauer, that actor in the movie Ladyhawke. Rutger wasn't meant in the literal sense, the guy just looked like he did when he was young, except with even bluer eyes (rather intensely blue), they seemed large and slightly slanted, and he had a bit longer white-blonde hair -- but otherwise, they were so much alike they could be brothers.)

He (who was I) was attempting to "free himself" and "claim his power." Many small birds of various sizes were around, most looked like blackbirds. They were everywhere. A huge black human-crow, about my size, stood next to me as a guide and narrated the entire dream.

The man was on a stage. I was in both places simultaneously, and my attention to one point of view, mine or his, moved back and forth. He was dressed in a manner like royalty, the old fashioned kind with a cloak, and he stood on the stage facing some small group of people I could not see, and made a formal "petition" to them. (They were invisible to me, but I knew they were there. I was disturbed by not being able to see them; I took it personally that they were invisible, like it wasn't their inherent state but rather was their comment on my deserving or ability to see them. But I finally ignored that subtlety, and turned my attention back to watching the man-me from my own eyes.)

His petition wasn't merely a request, it was a demand; not in an angry sense but in a knightly-sense, an "honor" approach of strength. Finally I could sense the other people on the stage, the leaders, more clearly; one of them came out to the blonde-me, and it was as if he suddenly became visible to me when he did. The blonde-me kneeled, and this other fellow put a heavy (crown?) on his/my/our head.

Then everything just... blew up. There was this incredible, amazing fire, it burned through everything, it was like a lightning, blinding flash of the most bright imaginable purple and all the birds simply "were" no longer. It passed through me like a shock wave. In stunned surprise, recovering from the explosion speechlessly, I found we (me and the large bird-guy) were standing in an empty area. I was a bit blank from the shock of the fire, but I was concerned about the little birds. Where did they go? I finally asked the human-crow next to me. He said that they gave themselves for this: that what they live for, what they work for, is that one moment of fiery glory when a person "comes into Being." I realized suddenly that he meant they had all died at that moment -- to make it possible. I was disturbed by that, but awed with the whole situation.

The dream seemed to have many components, most of which I can't translate to words very well. At one point I found myself in a high place, wearing a black cloak, and I realized that it was symbolic, and like wings, it enabled me to fly. I flew to different places, finding myself on balconies of towering buildings that seemed to look down at whole cities, then planets and stars, then galaxies, and finally in my random wanderings I came upon a large group of children, ragged but also in cloaks. Physically they were clearly unrelated, but they seemed to think they were siblings. I wandered near them curiously.

At first they ignored me; then with shouts of the exuberance of children they tried to take me prisoner, as if they were wild and considered all other things their property, and they were going to take me back to their... parents, or their cave where they lived, or something. They kept trying to tie my hands, and I'd go along with it, unworried, but after a moment I kept slipping free as soon as they had, and none of their knots would work. I was mildly annoyed but mostly rather amused, and wondered, couldn't they see that they were so much smaller and younger than I, it was unlikely they could outsmart me?

It shortly became apparent that I was better at flying than they were, and as that began to make them more comfortable with me, through a sudden change of circumstance I ended up having to save them when their wings failed them. We were on these balconies near incredibly high spiked spires, when a strong wind, blowing hard enough to blow away anything not part of the building, came up and nearly overwhelmed us. It was clear that anyone not strong enough would be blown away, and would fall through a universe before they even began a descent to earth, and might not even make it to earth... and of course if they did, falling, it would injure or kill them, so I had to get them down.

It was abruptly colder than cold, as if my bones were being frozen from the inside, as if the balconies and the spires were frozen. I gathered my wings around me, and set my determination to save them, because they were children and I realized I loved them just for that. One by one I tied them to me with this thin gold rope so they wouldn't fall. I took a different route than those who left earlier, but we all got back safely.

The entire dream-vision was filled with birds of various kinds, and with these masks of gold, often held on a stick like those masks in the old ballrooms; with boats on the water, and people in them; there were people in these shiny colored cloaks who seemed like "ancient royalty." Their boats would pass mine, and they would hold a gold mask up to their face to view me through, and sometimes hand me a mask like theirs to use. Sometimes the masks would hang in the air, and at one point somebody replaced my cloak with a golden cloak so bright I couldn't look at it without having to cover my eyes.

A woman who was also a golden metallic (but living) bird was looking for me once, I remember that, as I was standing on the bank of the river. She found me and tried to give me jewelry, all gold with these huge gold pendants at the end of chains, all were some great gift and recognition. But I noted that the symbols were on chains, and I thought to myself, Chains equals prisoner, right, this is important, and I knew that this many would be constrictive for me, too heavy for me to fly easily or stay above the water easily, and so I only took a few. Off and on there were all these beings who were somehow part bird and part human.

I loved the dream! I felt that whatever I was supposed to do there worked. I feel more relaxed today than I have in so long, like I've finally gotten enough sleep, for the first time in eons.

Could that blonde man really be me also? I felt it so completely that it still feels... literal. Could that be what I look like in that "realm?" Could it be true that our "consciousness" exists on many levels? Or perhaps I'm just becoming more aware of literally being my dream characters? Boy if all my dreams were this intense there'd be no point in spending any time awake.


The vision reminded me of one I'd had about a year before. I'd considered it a real "trip" but hadn't given it much thought. When I considered the gold bird, memories came flooding back to me:

One day while I [thought I?!] was awake, I abruptly found myself in what seemed to be a huge room, surrounded by windows looking out at the sky. I was viewing the room with someone who was trying to convince me to live in this house. Just as she was listing the virtues of it, my mouth dropped in awe. Outside the window this golden eagle was flying. I don't mean like a real eagle, I mean it was literally made of gold, its feathers were gold scales, as if it were both living bird and yet metallic. It flew around outside the window and very specifically came back and did so again, and I realized, It's focused on me. This bird is making a point to be sure that I see it. I felt a rush of joy coursing through my body.

Later, there were sounds of shouting. I went outside and some distance away I could see a crowd gathered. I went toward it and came to this large square thing which I decided was a gymnast's mat; in the midst of the mat was a gymnast who was dancing. As I stood there, a lion pounced onto the mat, and then somehow became a huge snake, grabbing the woman. The crowd gasped in horror and she struggled to get free. I ran to her and freed her from the snake, only to find myself enmeshed with it. We struggled, and as the crowd all but hid their faces and cried in fear, we rolled around the square mat, but suddenly I realized: We're dancing now. We seemed to be struggling, but it was an illusion: really we were dancing and rolling like it was a play we were enjoying. I realized the snake was the lion and they were both sort of me in some sense; I was in no danger, and I enjoyed the sensuality of touching them.

The gold bird struck me as related, the living-but-metallic gold. Talk about symbology, wow! Now if I only had some idea what this sort of thing means...


{November, 1993}

There's something I realized as a result of that vision of the blonde-me. This is hard to explain, but seems to fit into it all for some reason, and I feel it's really important that I understand this, that it relates to all the odd things going on in my life. The realization goes something like this:

All acceptance is by faith. Not blind faith as "trust," but faith as an absolute commitment: and when you make the latter, you realize it is the former.

I feel as if I've made a specific commitment. When I made it, I didn't know the path, or where it led, or anything. I knew only that I would do whatever it took, wherever I was, whatever the conditions, regardless of anything else in the universe. There's a certain point where, when you know you're going to do something no matter what, the how and why and when simply become... irrelevant. When you get right down to it, you either commit or not: there are no "conditional" commitments. Which is why it becomes faith: you quit worrying about, or even thinking about, the ways and means (or even the goal).


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