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Journal Excerpt [tall thin man]

{April, 1995}

There were these pools.... a land of pools, numerous fairly large blue pools, interesting and all different shapes, the pools like people have in their backyard. Then it turned out I was fooled about their true nature -- they weren't in the ground at all, but in fact, it was merely that the ground had been dug up and these large blue plastic pools had been set down into the ground. They weren't the permanent cement kind. And now they were all above ground, turned sideways and empty, next to the pool-shaped holes where they had been.

There was a final pool, a round pool, which I liked, deeper than most, but the ground hadn't been dug for it yet. I was wishing someone would get around to doing it and was ready to offer to do it myself. I wondered if there was a reason it wasn't done yet.

There was a man; a tall thin man, older than me, fair but wispy hair, thinning to almost vanishing, intelligent to the point of being slightly scary; a bit quiet, which only unnerved me more. I didn't feel I had physically met him before, but I had some connection to him. I accepted him as my leader. He had some "master plan" but I wasn't sure what it was, and wasn't sure how I'd feel about it if I knew (like I might not like it).

He did some odd things. I said nothing; I was confused, like I 90% knew what was going on and the other 10% was a dream. And there was this authority thing he had over me that I didn't question and in some way was so very drawn to.

As time went on, he kept showing up to 'see how I was doing.' He wasn't satisfied with me, had these various complaints, like I wasn't working on magick enough, my health and physical shape needed serious improvement, I wasn't mature enough here or there, I "wasn't ready for him" was the feeling. Yet he still kept getting closer every time we met; as if he were drawn to me and wanted me to be equal to him sooner rather than later. (There was also some lesser energy of the idea that as my leader he was obliged to improve me anyway so I'd be useful for something.)

Eventually, in passing, he would just kiss me deeply, intensely, and then walk away, leaving me trembling and frustrated, and wanting to do whatever it would be to make me ok with him... even though he still unnerved me, and I wasn't entirely sure he'd be considered a "good guy," even though he seemed to be on my team, so to speak. I felt ambivalent and confused.

There was a small group of people who classified as leaders. They took their place at the front of a group on an outdoor stage; the thin man was invisible standing just behind them. He seemed to know them and I thought might be leader of them too (the group onstage) as well as me. There were lots of people in the crowd facing the stage. A group of four people came up to the stage, and did a step and sign in unison toward them, looking like a small drill team, and finished it with a slight bow (more like a deep nod, japanese-style) to the group. The team apparently asked some question and got an answer. Different groups of people went up and did this in varying number and form. I wanted to go up there, but I had no question, and I was alone, and wasn't sure if a deep bow would cover it, or if I needed some other, more secret step & sign.

Before I could wonder much longer, the groups all disbursed, milling around like a big social event. I was standing there a bit blankly, wondering what I should do next. The thin man showed up as I stood there lost; suddenly pulled me against him and kissed me so hard, so deeply, until my whole body shook, until my legs lost strength and I was physically trembling with blind desire -- and then he released me abruptly and just walked away.

Blankly, somewhat stunned, I wandered aimlessly back to find the pools, wondering again if I should forget waiting for whoever was supposed to install that deep round pool and just find a shovel and dig it out (a serious job) myself. Then I woke up. Frustrated that I'd lost my connection with the tall thin man and feeling vaguely lonely without him.

Having such a dream, while on my honeymoon no less, is kinda weird. I have the odd sense that he was almost... 'marking me' as his.

[end]

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