Chapter 18

Alice could not help her lips curling up into a smile as she began: "So you know, I always thought Unicorns were fabulous monsters, too? I never saw one alive before!"
"Well, now that we have seen each other," said the Unicorn, "if you'll believe in me, I'll believe in you. Is that a bargain?"

Lewis Carroll
Through the Looking Glass

May 1995

Yesterday I got off my duff and meditated for what seems like the first time in eons. I had been complaining to L. about these "blocks," you know. It's almost like one of the inherent qualities of the blocks is to distract you from anything to do with them, like you focus toward them and you just... slide right away. I have a lot of things I try to think about, experiences, that I just... can't.

I did an archetype meditation on a block and felt much better. I couldn't tell what was behind it; childhood things, some of them, but I didn't know what; the block and everything behind it was totally disgusting, slimy and grey-brown (with dust?), and the block itself and every component behind it had to be cleaned and healed and restructured before it was over, it took awhile.

Last night I fell into an OBE. I had just laid down a few moments before when I "fell out of my body." The following seemed to come first before the rest, but later I wasn't sure. Somehow I "learned" this. Don't laugh... ok, go ahead...

In the midst of (Egypt?) lies a vast underground section -- almost a city. I know we recently discovered a room under the Sphinx's paws; but this is much deeper, and extremely large. People here [on Earth] may know, someday, though they'll likely never find their way down; but they will eventually find wells, in the upper underground, that go much deeper, almost impossibly deep. There is a way to open the whole area up; it requires a simultaneous movement of three or four objects in different places, though, that surround the opening area, and we don't have the technology, even if we knew the method, and the "things" used to open it from the outside are either buried or unknown to us anyway. It will open of its own accord when it is time, but that is quite some time away.

They assume. The beings who think of themselves as "The Guardians" live there. [Predictable sci fi music here... but no kidding, that's a very good translation of the feeling I got.] Not necessarily, mind you, "protectors of humans" that wasn't the feeling; Guardians of... Earth. Maybe the planet as a property is a better description.

In OBE-astral, I'm looking for them. I'm looking with my mind and feel calmly certain I can find them. I find myself flying through what I note is a "government warehouse." (How would I know?) It is big beyond the wildest imagination of such a building, ridiculously large, possibly underground as well [or below something; but not the same place as in Egypt]. It is secret. In it is contained many things for investigation or deliberate hiding. Most things are in boxes, some the size of freight cars or larger but some are simply strange shapes that stand alone. Near the very back of the building, a huge shape that looks somewhat like a gigantic mutant beetle made of an unknown dark dull metal substance stands.

I realized that despite the odd looks, this was an actual "ship" by my definition; anyway, it traveled, carried people. I realized it was the same kind as could be found underground in Egypt as well; they were the same people. [It "matched" what I now "knew" from the education.] It seemed inert, dead, a weird hunk of something from the outside, but I knew there were beings in it, quite alive. I understood I was in an OBE, but that didn't make any of it seem less valid; I understood I had to be, to find them, that was the whole point. I noted that since I was astral I was pretty much free to do as I pleased, unlimited by space. So I projected myself inside the thing. I don't remember what I saw, but I do know that it was vastly bigger inside than outside. (This is all so predictable it's embarrassing, I know...)

Next thing I knew, I was in a chair, watching a screen. The screen was detailing the history of the people, or some such thing. It then showed them visually. Their skin was light sand tan colored, rough like an iguana, in individual patterns; their eyes had vertical, cat pupils; they were humanoid. I recognized then that this was like the memory I'd had long ago; the one where I had never been sure where the memory came from. But the memory was clearly of one of these people, and I understood then why I'd been looking for the people: I'd just "unlocked" some portion of the memory, with my meditations that touched on well-blocked childhood memories.

I became aware that while I had been watching, life as normal was going on. I wanted to see and meet someone. I found myself at an open doorway, and I stood in the doorway and looked in. A number of them were seated at what would translate as visual consoles. It was almost dark; the "screens" had some light , but not bright light. I suddenly realized that this thing, this ship, was quite active.

I had assumed it was in storage, put there by the government or something; I realized at that moment that whether or not the foregoing was true, they were there by their choice. Perhaps the government had or had not stashed it here, it seeming inert, or maybe the vastness and secretiveness just made them able to use the building as some kind of safe base; in any case, it was clear conceptually that the ship didn't require a landing strip, it traveled in some sense where all that was unnecessary, and so they were as happy to remain here just as safely ensconced as the others are under Egypt (but this was in the USA, was my impression) for now. They left whenever, and went wherever, they wanted anyway.

My eyes were either adjusting to the light, or astrally darkness doesn't matter, I don't know which. But after a short time I could see a little better. The folks sitting looked up at me, and regarded me silently and calmly as I stood there. They didn't seem threatening. I looked at one of them, at the nearest console, closely. I noted that he was younger than the guy I had encountered before, or some difference I couldn't place; maybe feminine, his face just seemed sweeter. The face had a few less spiny ridges, the skin was smoother and a bit lighter in shade, and the eyes (and those of the others who were looking at me, close enough for me to sort of see) were not nearly the shade of the fellow I met. (His were shocking orange as I recall; theirs were... I'm unclear on the shade. I can see it, I just don't have a word for that color. "Neutral but a color" is the best explanation.) Perhaps it was just lack of light, because this new fellow's pupils were nocturnally widened; it was very dim in the room, and the pupils had widened toward round, though their vertical-ness was still apparent.

Remembering that they were telepathic (my only clear memory, besides the face, of the earlier meeting), I wondered if I could talk to them. Granted, I told myself, you are in astral here, but I figured, all the more reason why I should be able to. So I closed my eyes to focus better, and imagined myself "in" the fellow, merging as part of him, to communicate with him; I put it like a question; he didn't seem threatening, and I was genuinely curious.

I opened my eyes and looked at him; he looked at me; he agreed, I agreed, and we sort of fell into the eyes [typical of most TP experiences]. I got this massive rush of feeling that hit my physical body back home. I could feel my body literally shaking with the rush, trembling as I lay on the floor, so intense I could feel my body gasping in its unconscious state... but that part of me felt far away.

But that's where it ends; I don't know where I was or what I experienced during our time together, sorry, no memory (nada zip zero it is GONE). Makes me SO mad! Gods, I hope he didn't reblock anything in my head, took me decades and hard core meditation to get rid of the first block! And then, what felt like "later," I found myself outside the big shape again; they had "put me down" and "put me back."

I felt they'd been nice to me, showed me what I asked, and were done now, they felt I should go home. Again I flashed on the Egypt setting and wondered if I had actually been shown that in the "education" or if it really had come before seeing the craft; I wondered if it were possible that the whole experience had been designed for my education, as opposed to my "by chance" coming upon it or finding them. Then I "knew that there was no difference: we were connected and had always been."

There is no indication of gender in any entity, I say "his" for ease. I only noted their faces; bodies were peripheral. Humanoid, except the cat eyes and lizardish skin and no hair. It seemed they'd been tolerant of me in the craft because they were quietly resting and doing work in this cavernous warehouse; I had the strong feeling I was a momentary novelty for the crew. I almost had the "sweet kid" feeling, like a stray kitten invokes. Though novelty, curiosity, even positive-ness and such feelings don't necessarily imply emotion as we know it.

I recognized that I have no bad feelings toward those people. I had thought, after uncovering the original memory some years ago, that they were "bad guys," since I felt incredible fear; and then later I heard of something perhaps similar to them, and they apparently have a lousy reputation in the UFO field. The brief flash of memory I have was accompanied by sheer terror, granted, but it was also accompanied by a warm, deep, telepathic bonded knowing. This "dream" made me realize, however, that they are not my enemy (or if they are, have convinced me otherwise very well thanks), and that I don't have feelings of fear of them. That's kind of nice.

But what a totally stupid set of imagery! Stupid! Gads, I'm so embarrassed, good grief, I'm afraid to even tell anybody this one. I could be wrong, but I bet they've searched the ground under every part of that section of the planet for lost pyramids and such, and I'm sure they'd have found such a place under the ground by now, wouldn't you think? Could it be in astral? (It is certainly MUCH "deeper" than anything currently existing to my knowledge.) But "the Guardians?" Oh please. They could at least be original, a little more creative. Why on earth would they tell me all that junk?

[Letter from Barbara Finney regarding an event of 1935 (used with permission)]

I have heard it said among some "professional UFOlogists," J.C. comes to mind, that those who see lizard type aliens are suspected of being liars, as most ufologists now only believe one type of alien exists, grays. Well...

I lived in the same home my mom grew up in. It was about 1935 or 36, I guess she would have been 18. This was the outskirts of Houston TX in the post depression era. When I grew up there it was a lower middle class neighborhood. But back then it was still a bit like the frontier area it had been, no indoor plumbing and no electricity, outhouses, kerosene lanterns. It was still pretty rural then and no one was sure the last wild wolf in the area had been killed.

So the family and mom tell the story, years later, of how she woke up one night and saw arms outstretched across her body, and her window's heavy screen had been removed. She jumped across the room and slammed into a wall, releasing a scream as she looked at what she could see of the intruder by the kerosene lantern (which burned all night in order to find one's way to the outhouse). She got off one scream before losing her voice from sheer fright.

When my grandfather and uncle responded to her scream all she could do was point to the open window. She couldn't speak to tell them what frightened her. The fact the screen was off clued them in it was no mere nightmare I would assume. They gave chase. When I was a child I think my uncle talked of this but I never paid much attention, I wish I had. My mom always concludes the tale by insisting she thinks it was a dirty old man playing a joke by wearing a mask.

Well, much later in my own life when abductions got so hot as a subject, I reluctantly started to look into them and noted similarities to much of what my mother had said... doctors said it was a nervous breakdown on her part and she got shock therapy for it. (When I was 7 and again when I was 12, we hospitalized her for staying up all night trying to escape "them" -- them being men from the moon in floating platforms shooting beams at her.)

Anyway, I grilled her intensively about 10 years ago on what was so horrible looking about the intruders "mask" as to make her lose her voice for 20 minutes and be unable to stand. I tried mundane suggestions at first, "was it pock marks?" "burn scars?" I was looking for a description that might fit a known skin disease (I have my skeptical side you know). She finally admitted it looked like scales, then amended the scale description to "alligator hyde" look. Then she admitted that this was also on the hands and forearms. "Good Mask," I'm thinking. So OK, now we have a guy creating hollywood style quality costumes in the 1930s to scare one 18 year old girl? She always described the intruder as "not looking human... like a monster."

Tie this tale in with the fact my Mom starting making noises that sound just like those of a modern abduction victim of today, in 1935, then again in about 1959, and again in 1964, and I have to wonder. She still exhibits abductee symptomology. But unlike many abductees you almost need to inject her with truth serum to get her to talk about it. She will go out of her way to avoid subjects like aliens and UFO's and such. Says she does not want to think about all that "weird" stuff. She is 77 years old now, and could have been described as a pretty average American woman, with normal interests and pursuits.

Shock therapy. Good grief. Why do I tend to doubt that psychology has advanced very much since then? Now we just have more convenient, better packaged technology for straightjacketing peoples' minds.

Two days after this 'astral' dream, I woke up simply obsessed with the idea that I finally had to write this story for you Lynn, tell you what's been going on with me. I'd been procrastinating it for a long time, mostly denial probably. I was so obsessed that I dove into computer research of years of correspondence, every day. I didn't eat. I slept maybe an hour a night. I was driven with this intensity that was amazing. I was staying with my friends in Oregon, who were beginning to worry about me -- I was acting like I was possessed. I wondered if maybe the cat-eyed guys had something to do with it, but I couldn't be sure. I had the simultaneous urge, so strong as to be baffling, that I simply had to get a copy of this eventual package to Dr. John Mack. To this day I haven't read his book yet, so I have no idea why I'd be inclined to that.

Anyway, so it was at that point that I absolutely determined to write this letter. I had a pretty good feeling even at the time that it would end up being book length if I went back to "when it all began." The friends I was staying with had been encouraging me to write for many years, and were thrilled; I found I had a place to sleep without rent, so I did.

July 1995

I've been seeing the red craft again lately. All the way up here in Washington state... guess distance doesn't matter much to them. Since I saw the cat-eyed guys again back in May I've been seeing that craft almost regularly, in Oregon too. Lately a few times I saw it outside, way high in the sky, really late at night (like 1am) when I went out to the apartment recreation area to buy a soda from the machine. I knew it was them because I "knew" (via them, somehow) I was supposed to get home and in bed because they were there for me. Otherwise though, I fall asleep, and something (I'm not sure what) gets my attention and I open my eyes, look up and see the craft in the sky. Then I say, well since I can't normally see through the ceiling, obviously I'm in astral mode here!

I feel something pulling at me, pulling me out of my body. I try to stay conscious because you know, I want to know what's going on, but mentally they just overpower me at the best of times. I think other than the tall bug guys the cat-eyes are the strongest, telepathically, maybe more so, but they're not as good at using linear words/concepts like the bug-guys are. The shamanic creatures, blondes and fragiles, and other folks aren't anywhere near their degree of ability. Perhaps they're just more familiar with human conceptuals and psychology. As for the spiny cat-guys, I never remember anything that goes on with them, even when I remember seeing them, which is frustrating. It's blanker than blank.

Letter, July, 1995

I know I'm working with somebody but I don't have a name for them. They're obviously interdimensional (at least in my definition of the term). They obviously have a way of looking at things and teaching me that transcends everything I know in the world around me during business hours. (I can't say "real" world because I think this is all equally valid. In fact it makes me angry that so much stuff happens while I'm technically "asleep" because that puts it into the realm of a "dream" which we interpret as "invalid and false and illusionary." Not all of it of course -- some is wide awake during the day -- but much of it is at night.)

I have plenty of psychological debates with myself about the entities: are they really separate, are they aspects of me under the archetypal "other guy" image, are they aliens or ascended masters or... but really, I guess it doesn't matter. I still think it would be helpful to me intellectually if I had a better grip on the tablet (Enochian) entities as compared with the other schools of entities (our schools of category, probably not theirs). Any help you could provide me in understanding this would be appreciated.

[Quoting a response from Bill Heidrick (used with permission):]

On Enochian beings and modern aliens, you have hit one of my blind spots. I get a rash every time UFO's and aliens come up. My basic reaction is "Yuck!" Actually, this is the historical drift of "what does it all mean?" Long ago, people took unexplained things to be similar to ordinary people and critters. There's a nymph in that stream and a dryad in that oak -- no problem, same as Fred and Georgette down the road at the old Gridely place, just folks. Then Government got into the act with state control of religion -- some of these beings became categorized as Gods/Goddesses, Demons, Ancestral spirits, Elementals and the whole pantheon, by the book, government seal of approval and the like. In John Dee's time, Angels and Devils with neutral spirits in between, that was the fashion. Last century, it was spirits of the dead lost on their way to the other world -- rather tacky approach, if you ask me. Now it's egg heads with little green bodies from Sirius, with a dash of hobo wandering Atlantian's thrown in for leavening.

I think Aliens and UFO's amount to nothing but a Cargo Cult like that of the South Pacific after WWII -- they are all going to land here some day and either take us home or give us good stuff. All of this labeling of the entities amounts to trying to fit a current cultural understanding on an underlying phenomenon that seems to be a constant throughout human existence. There are invisible, mental or spiritual things going on. Call it by whatever name makes sense at the time. It won't change because the name changes. Names are for feeling comfortable in the present culture. As cultures change, names change. Same stuff, different pretty label. It's the same, although more subtle, on the issue of whether these matters are a part of you or apart from you. Different cultures need to see it one way or the other. What it is, nobody knows.

Bewilderness is copyright © 1993 to present to Palyne "PJ" Gaenir ( See