PJ's Personal Archives

The Long and Winding Road

When I lived in Seattle, in 1997 I began writing a book I planned to put free on the internet, called "The Long and Winding Road".

I had spent SO much time getting detailed info from so many people about RV that I wanted to start from the beginning and put all the pieces together for people, up to the current date. So everyone would have the benefit of the work I'd put in, the contacts I'd made, and so on.

Much of it related to Dames simply because it went back to square 1 in public, and he'd been a very big part of what was in the public, and the first there (long before the black ops was declassified).

The weird thing was, I actually believed Dames had become legitimately schizophrenic, and was not any kind of evil government agent or anything. But as it all developed, in detail, the curve looked more and more like he was very deliberately planned since long before the program went public. It was weird, as I didn't believe it myself, but the 'gestalt' sure took that on.

Anyway, I was immensely proud of this book. I knew that once this went online, there would NEVER be any ability for the crap that had been put over on the public to go over again. It was so detailed, so cross referenced, so provable on nearly every count, nobody could dispute it.

The main file was nearly 2 MEGS long at that time -- and the footnotes file was nearly 1meg alone, plus I had half a meg in 'misc notes' not yet put in. There were footnotes like every 3 sentences that held all the trivia related to dates and subnotes and such.

I had about 10% left to write, and it would be done.

I had this on my PC on my E drive, as well as daily backups (or more if I'd done a lot at one sitting) of both files in that directory, as well as a weekly backup on the D drive just because I was used to going through hard drives sometimes and couldn't risk that massive an effort getting lost.

I worked on this several hours a day, every day. Every morning, I got up, and would stumble in, do some email, then pull it up. I had a macro that pulled it up with the notes files so it was just a keystroke. I'd work on it off and on through the day and then in a block every night. I'm not sure... maybe 8 months.

One morning, my macro returned an error that the file was not there. I was confused. I went to open it manually, but -- the file was gone.

The footnotes file was gone too.

The 'misc' notes file was gone too.

The local backup files in that directory were gone too.

Panicking, I calmed my hyperventilation and, accepting that as impossible as it seemed, I'd lost two whole days of work since the last weekly backup, I went to the D drive to get the last weekly backups there.

They were gone.

The folder they were in was gone too.

After awhile of staring at my screen blankly, I went into my 'recycle' bin, realizing that I hadn't emptied it in eons, so surely even if some truly bizarre thing had caused such deletions, they'd be in there.

Everything dating back months was, but not those.

I couldn't believe it was gone. It was impossible. I kept going back to my computer and "looking again", as if it would magically show up there any second surely, for WEEKS. Every day I would think, surely I had imagined that, it was impossible, it has to be there!

Then one day it just finally sunk in. It was really gone.

I threw myself on my bed and bawled my head off for hours. I had put immense manhours into it. Not to mention collecting the info to begin with and checking facts and such. It was the most detailed, documented, well explained presentation that the field would have ever had. There would be no bullshit possible once this was public -- even the smaller stuff from the 'official' sources -- this laid it on the line.

But it was gone. C'est la vie.

To this day, I have no idea how this could be possible. While it's true that my computer was attached to the internet, I was hard pressed to think how anybody would even know about the files to bother hacking them. I mean I had not told anybody beyond my husband that I was even doing this -- I wanted to make a real splash with it. And I was in the room 6' from the computer all night - nobody came in.

Later, someone told me that there is tech that can read and change a hard drive from across the street. I don't know about this. And I don't know that such a source of it would care at all about my very thoroughly and publicly discrediting Dames (and other aspects and things) anyway.

Now, I am not particularly paranoid. In fact I'm a little polly to be honest, simply because I think paranoia tends to be egotism, and I'm just not that important to other people. ;-)

But that is a memorable event.

I nearly left the field after that. I was so depressed I literally could hardly function for weeks, once it REALLY being gone finally sunk in.

Were it not for a powerful shamanic vision that hit me the night I decided to throw in the RV towel, I would have.

So I stayed a little longer.


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