PJ's Personal Archives

Journal Excerpt [blue eyes of faith]

{March, 1994}

I met what I called "the blue eyes of faith" the other day. Oh god! My god! He was my Lord! He was like... gods, like this energy that WAS me, that was the most sacred part of me, it knocked my socks off, it was so exciting! I only noted his eyes for some reason, it was like somehow I "zoomed" into macro on them, connected with them, and saw nothing else. He was ME. (But he's not the blonde guy I normally see as "another aspect of me." What IS it with these white dudes anyway?) I am trembling at the thought of it. Merely thinking of him brings a flush to my body and an increase in my heart rate; a brightness inside me and a sense of glorious awe.

I felt like I met a piece of my soul, a piece I suddenly missed, suddenly realized the place for. I felt like I'd come home to God and wasn't empty, was suddenly filled with light and soul... bright light beginning as a speck in the middle of me and growing, larger and brighter, until I couldn't hold it anymore, and trembling violently had to "let go" and it spilled out of me like sunlight... I wanted to cry and cry, but I wasn't sad; I was relieved. I could feel something! He was so beautiful, so Holy, so incredible...

I love him so much the only words for my feeling is that I worship him. That's not as one-sided as it sounds. Still, for someone who hates religion that's a pretty startling admission.

Granted I'm in a more vulnerable spot for that sort of psychology than I've ever been, but... whether I wanted it or not, I don't invalidate the reality of it. He's real. He's beyond words. He's me, my innermost self, my core, my light and my love, my ultimate. And now I feel like I'm not really alone. Like there's a spark inside me, like I'm not empty, after all. I am part of other consciousness; I am part of him; I couldn't be alone if I tried. And I just cried. I couldn't quit crying. He's so beautiful. Knowing that he was there in me, he is me, he is my saving grace.

As a side effect, it makes me less afraid for my body, all this Impending Doom junk with the planet, my visions of it, I'm not so afraid anymore. I don't feel like I can be killed or separated from anything. I feel like his presence was a gift to me. I so needed it. And now I crave him and wish he would come back, please, please come back...


It's best described as meeting my soul face to face. My adoration, my worship, my being overwhelmed by his beauty and love, these haven't passed. I still have them, though my perspective on all this has changed a bit. Even though I have dark moments from time to time -- I have a hard time separating or sorting all this stuff -- for the most part, he is simply awe-some.

I don't know if he's the guy I thought was Archangel Michael or not. He feels a bit different, yet incredibly similar. Michael was powerful, mostly physically although the physical affected the rest of me. This lovely soul who is the core of me, he affects me profoundly but it's more spiritual in nature. It does affect me physically, but it's as if all this happens in the opposite direction as it did with Michael. I am overwhelmed by a sense of love, of joy, of peace; with Michael it was more like energy, power, authority. They both cause the other, though. And the difference may have been in my consciousness, my ability to receive the more spiritual aspect directly, as opposed to any difference in him inherently.

Now why they would both have such captivating blue eyes if they're not the same guy, I don't know, I mean what are the odds? Or... well, are spiritual entities limited physically like we are? I mean might there be some entity like angels that are the same species, and so all pretty much appear alike to us?


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