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Journal Excerpt [jackboots]

This is one of those things that seems a lot more relevant in retrospect. This recurring sequence began with me in May of 1995, immediately after the last attempt I made to contact the Soldier in the Graveyard. After a lifetime of lucid dreaming, and a couple years of nearly 24/7 lucidity, at the onset of this, my nights went totally black. No memory. Nothing. I did not remember these until the date below when I wrote it down. But I knew that my awareness would allow me to get out of them and they wouldn't be a problem after that day. I didn't have long to think about it. The very next day I was introduced to a former DIA man formerly from a 'Remote Viewing' unit, who befriended me, and I was instantly obsessed with that - for years. It wasn't until somewhere around 2000 that a friend pointed out to me the 'symbolic significance' of a soldier in a graveyard who'd been doing something "unusual and mental" - with, perhaps, Remote Viewing. Me dropping into the "programmed dreams" below makes it seem downright strange -- escaping them only to be introduced to RV itself. My more paranoid friends love this one. However, perhaps the conditioning in the recurring dreams below worked, as I am oddly unparanoid about it myself. I just find it really intriguing is all.

{October 1995}

I've been having these dreams that would be making me paranoid if I wasn't so averse to that feeling. And talk about predictably paranoid, they seem to involve something that gets translated, in my head, as the government or military, a secret group or some such ridiculous thing.

The first few dozen or so I had, I didn't remember very much of them so didn't write them down, and I ignored them in that curious way I ignore bad things in this realm. The next few I didn't remember while awake. But lately they're a little more common. And I still wouldn't have thought much about them except that just today I saw the pattern in them, while awake I remembered the series of them; I've been having them for months, since about May.

The pattern shocked me so much I stopped motionless in the middle of the room with my mouth open. Dozens of recurring dreams for six months? That's pretty serious. Most of what I remember is simply confusing, so I'll just mention the overall pattern:

A group of people, which I interpret to be some secret government type group, are attempting to scare me. They want to get my psychology into that state as part of an overall process. It generally takes them a long time, and into my head will come these realistic sub-dreams (meaning dream within a dream) where a female whom I admire or who reminds me of me will suffer various fates. The fates range, as if they get worse as they search for something I respond to.

She'll be seriously beat up (didn't scare me). She was attacked by all these men dressed in black and gang raped (didn't scare me). She was stripped naked and shouted at while whipped and bleeding (didn't scare me).

Then it'll shift, if that sort of thing doesn't work, into the more religious stuff, directly at me: a monster with red eyes is coming for me (didn't scare me). Various other critters are coming for me (didn't scare me).

And after the long series of that, if that doesn't work, then it'll go to creatures, like, sharks are near me and I'm swimming (didn't scare me). Then cockroaches are surrounding me (didn't scare me). Snakes are everywhere (didn't scare me). And finally, the one that usually gets me: some humongous, huge spider is sitting right on my chest, and I can't move, and he's preparing to crawl up and bite me on the neck. That one usually scares the begeezus out of me.

And then just as I finally react with the crying-fear terror response, the sub-dreams, having served their purpose, simply vanish! Someone who seems "strong," like a strong handsome man often, will be physically near me, and will say something (sometimes just a general comment) about the relationship between aliens, the CIA, MIBS, "government conspiracies," the military, it varies, and is often just a casual comment.

Then while I'm in this hyper-vulnerable state of fear, men dressed in black uniforms with calf-level boots and big guns will storm into the room and grab the person with me whom I admire as tougher than me, who has just finished saying something about the government, and as they drag him out, it becomes clear that this person is shortly going to be dead, because they were stupid enough to open their mouth.

The message I get, to put it into words, is they can hear you, no matter where you are, no matter how alone you think you are, and if you want to live, keep your mouth shut. (Why does this remind me of that black triangle experience from long ago? No objective surface reason, but I can't shake the feeling of association somehow...)

I decided I was delusional and paranoid. Impossible.

Of course it's just an odd recurring dream. I've discovered something interesting though.

Sometimes when the "series of fear attempts" begin, I'll just pick something, say the woman getting mauled, and allow myself to react like I'm scared and horrified, and begin to cry. Not because I am, but because I've been through this, I know that's what they're waiting for, and I just want to get it over with. And then the next stage kicks in.

Now don't you think I would have to actually be truly that scared? I mean, wouldn't my own psyche know that it's just that I've had that kind of dream so many times I'm learning to psych out the characters in it? If dream characters are all me, how could I fool them? It's almost like the characters aren't paying that much attention to me personally; like they just have some established method of "making an impression" on someone: get them into a state of absolute panic and fear and drop violence to someone right next to them in their lap, with a clear message that it could be you.

Obviously I'm getting paranoid. But why am I? Why would I? You know I've been making fun of people who talk just like this for a long time, so that I'd be the next in line for this kind of loony toons is ironic. Since the whole thing is impossible to begin with, I can rule it out. But even if it weren't, why me? I'm nobody. I'm completely unimportant. I don't have any effect on anybody, except a few folks around a forum online now and then, I mean my opinion doesn't matter.

So I'm left to believe that part of my psyche must expect this, to create such recurring dreams about it, and for what, months now?! Now the only detail is that although I've heard folks who were paranoid, nothing I've heard gives me any reason to suspect this for myself. And while there are a few people swearing "the government" has some weird technologies, I simply don't buy it, not really. Even if it were true, I think there are too many interesting and useful things for them to be doing besides harassing civilians.

Which leaves me to wonder, more in psychologist-interest than anything, why would I be paranoid? What aspect of my experiences would lead me to recurring dreams about secret-bad-guy dressed-in-black paramilitary dudes?!


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