PJ's Personal Archives

Journal Excerpt [molecular windchimes]

{March, 1994}

What I couldn't understand was, if I was really awake, why wasn't I in my bed? I didn't move; I was frozen in fear, and trying to figure out what was going on. My brain was slow to come out of the "fog" it was in, it felt as if my near-trance state of mind were being 'held in place,' anchored by some technology outside me. I yelled in my mind, Think! Think!

After a few more seconds I could see that I was moving forward (by comparison to what I assumed was "the ground" some distance below me and to the right). This made me tense my muscles, to make sure I was really "with it," because I couldn't feel myself walking, I just seemed to be moving. I didn't notice my body until I focused on it, as if I wasn't as heavy... or something. I looked down and discovered I was standing on something that I can't describe completely. Suffice to say it was a cross between what we might call a "ramp" and a "beam of light." I wasn't sure my feet were really touching it.

I seemed to be outside somewhere and it was fully light, kind of like overcast daylight, bright but grey, and there were all these people standing around me, moving with me. By this time I was starting to wig out a little bit, because I'd gone through "Am I dreaming?" "Am I just dreaming I'm awake?" about 40 times and I'd run the various mental and physical checks and every time, the answer is absolutely no, I'm completely wide awake and alert... but the situation was inexplicable, and I didn't understand how I could possibly be anywhere but in my bed if I was really awake.

The beam/ramp thing was very wide, I'd say 75' or so. (Note while writing: the greyness of the sky was very unusual. It wasn't so much that the 'apparent resultant color of the sky' was grey, like our sky, as that perhaps every molecule of air was a transparent grey; bright enough, but with no direction of light source, like the molecules were themselves a light source of some sort, and the air was bright but there were no shadows, which made things look odd, and the light didn't seem to come from any particular direction.)

There were people all over the ramp thing. All kinds of people. My impression was all races, sizes, genders, ages, etc. Some were in clothes, some in pajamas, some in nothing, and some in some half way state between clothed and not, partly dressed.

I looked at the person closest to me, a bit in front of me, mostly facing me. It was a white man, probably in his mid to late 40's. He was wearing a suit but it was pretty sloppily put on and his shirt was untucked and unbuttoned. I said quietly, Um, hello? but he didn't respond. I peered at him closely. His eyes were open, as were most of the people's who I could see, but glazed. Similar to subjects in very, very deep trance.

And I went through another 20 self sessions of "Am I dreaming?" because it was so strange. So far I hadn't moved, because I was confused, and the "freeze" reaction seemed most logical until I'd figured out more.

I looked around at the other people on the beam-ramp. One of the interesting things is that they weren't facing downward, like on an escalator, the way people normally would be, but rather facing any which way at all, like objects somebody had "placed" at random -- and they all were like zombies. And yet they were standing. I was afraid to make noise or wave or anything because I didn't know what was going on, but I was beginning to get truly frantic.

I ventured to move a little bit, which seemed to help snap my mind out of the stasis it was being "held" in, and I looked behind me and upward. We all seemed to be coming from something (a building?) large. Huge. Unbelievably huge. I don't know what it was. I looked ahead of me, toward where the ramp was leading. Eventually it reached the ground, and groups of people were being led off separately. I was unable to see who was leading them off, I just had the feeling there was someone down there waiting for the people, and they'd turn them around, face them in the direction they needed to go, and the people would follow.

I looked up into the sky, and my eyes were drawn to the left. There were these ... odd looking things just hanging there, they made my eyes wide. I'm trying to think of how to describe them... I have no words for them. Put it this way: imagine a standard sawhorse, the horizontal beam with an upside down "V" of two beams at either end (vertical and perpendicular). Pull the legs up to about a 40 degree down/out angle (instead of the 90 degree down angle which they are). Separate the legs just a bit more. Thin it all out a bit, make it of some very smooth, round, perhaps metallic material, and then multiply the size by some large number (they seemed to come in different sizes). The description could be better but that's the closest I can come. The tubular beams that composed these were thinner; compared to a sawhorse they would be about 2/3 the diameter, in comparison to the overall size, and the resulting item looked rather... skeletal. The things hanging in the sky didn't really seem to have any color. I'm not sure how I could see them. They came off as sort of white-ish but I remember thinking they had no color.

(I concluded later that everything was, somehow, the identical color of bright-lighted-grey, and my ability to differentiate was not about color, as exists here, but about texture or density of mass. Even the ground was the same color as the sky.)

Suddenly with a flash of shock and adrenalin, I realized, I've been here before! I remember this place! And those are "skimmers!"

I stopped myself. I thought, Wait a minute. I didn't argue that I "knew" them or had been there before, although I knew the term "skimmers" was my own creation, something I probably picked up from a sci-fi book as a kid. That I knew it all, the place and the things around me, seemed clear -- but my assumption about what the things in the sky were struck me as ridiculous. I thought, How stupid! They'd be totally impractical. They couldn't fit very many people in something thin like that. It seemed like a plane of some kind would have to be fabricated on the outside of its flying space, as if it were a skeleton, so there'd be room inside to put things or people. Then I thought, Oh brilliant, like now I'm some kind of expert on aeronautic design? They exist in front of you. Quit arguing the obvious.

I thought, "But we don't have skimmers," and I tried to force my memory into as much consciousness as I could. It was tough, but I finally "cracked it" and like a revelation I connected them to the ramp I was on, the glazed-eyed people, and the whole situation, including my being there before, and I remembered, and through my head went the near-screaming thought, Oh my god! My god! I'm awake! I'm awake! I'm FINALLY AWAKE during this!!

I'd been there many times. Suddenly, knowing for sure that I was actually experiencing this and it was "real" and I really was awake and I was not merely dreaming, I felt both relieved and excited. That I'd chanced into something the whole world thinks is a myth struck me as a thing of incredible importance. Feeling like an archeologist who finds something amazing, I was nearly overwhelmed by an incredible excitement, and the rush of excited adrenalin was almost physically overwhelming. It helped finalize snapping my mind out of the held-in-place numbness once and for all, and although I still didn't feel heavy enough -- I had no real awareness of my feet on the beam for instance -- I became aware of physicality.

I had so much energy I could barely physically restrain myself from shouting and jumping around like a child. I looked closely at the thing I was standing on -- by this time I was about halfway down toward the ground -- and saw that the side I was near (I was at the far right side, from the downward perspective) had a small "rail" of some kind, like the ramp/beam wrapped upwards a bit.

All I could think was, This might be my only chance. Most people never get to see this. This "waking up" in the middle of this stuff is rare, and I know it, and this is my one opportunity to figure out what's really going on! Finally, I've broken through and woken up! Maybe I can get some sort of proof to take home! And that motivated me: proof suddenly seemed like the most crucial goal of my life. This was my chance. I sidled closer to the side. I realized that before we reached the ground, I could jump over it and run like hell around the back of it and chances were I wouldn't be seen. I assumed this because I figured people "coming to" in the middle of this process was rare and probably unexpected, and besides, I couldn't see anybody looking at me.

Adrenalin rushed through me and I could barely restrain my jump until I was close enough to the ground to be sure I wouldn't be hurt. I told myself, Hurry up! You have to do it fast before anybody notices you! You have cover behind people right now but many of them are getting off at the bottom and soon someone will see you and notice you're awake!

So I got just close enough to jump, and the adrenalin kicked in even harder, I tensed up my muscles and was just beginning to squat a bit for the push off of the jump, and just as my muscles nearly pushed me, BAM! this absolute feeling of PEACE LOVE CALMNESS descended on me so suddenly it was like getting bashed over the head with it. I immediately went into Passive Cow Feeling Loved mode and just stood there half stunned.

But my mind was still awake, though my body was blissed out. I had the impression that it would have knocked me completely unconscious were it not for my having so much adrenalin physically coursing through me that I had been totally wired. So I stood there in bliss while the beam-ramp continued to move us all downward.

At the bottom, myself and about 5 other people were led off in a group. I couldn't seem to see the person leading us, even though I knew there was someone there. (This disconcerted me at the time. Then I 'understood' that I would have been able to see them had I been properly unconscious, as if there is a certain "frequency" of brainwave activity that they would be apparent to, where I would interpret some frequency-feedback-data as a type of input that would create a visual image for me, but because I was conscious, I was "attuned to" a slightly different frequency than the one which contained this information, which altered my perception even though "I" was "there.")

Other people were being led off in other groups. I was a bit annoyed. I wanted to know, where were they going? What were they doing? Were they going to have more fun, do or learn something more interesting, than me? How come I had to be stuck in a group? I wasn't special enough for one to one training, like I usually got in odd experiences, I was just part of some mob?

We get to something I can only describe as a "room" though it's more like a "place;" it's a room but unlike anything we have. I can't see anything around me; it's as if the walls and ceiling and floor are all such an identical color that you're just sort of "there" and you don't really feel a physical connection to "where the door is," for example. The room seemed to be curved, was my impression though, no hard corners. It was as bright lighted grey with no shadows as was everything else. (As if somehow, the "mass" of things there and the "space" between the mass objects was all made of the same material, and the only difference was their density.) It created an opaqueness that made me a bit unaware of anything outside me, and a bit unaware of where I was. I just sort of "existed" "there." I finally understood some of my dreams where I'd had this impression.

We gathered in a circle around this... Being (as a noun), which I still couldn't see but knew was there, and it starts... the best description is, singing at us. (This is not accurate. It's merely the closest thing I can think of to what it was doing.) It was talking, except everything seemed to be in these 3-dimensional, plus another conceptual dimension of "tones" that I could feel rolling into my body, and that I could feel changing my body in some manner but I wasn't sure how... as if my body were composed of tones itself, like music, and the effect of the tones sang into me actually created "harmonics" inside me that altered my own tones, like I was a set of molecular windchimes. Whatever it was, physically, it felt groovy.

It reminded me of those "conceptual geometric language" lessons somehow.

I went with it for a couple of minutes, just enjoying it, though I was slightly disconcerted that I knew the singing was actually saying something, and while I felt I was integrating it on some level, I couldn't understand the words/meaning consciously. I wasn't sure if that was for the same reason that I couldn't see the Being, or some other reason.

But my determination to get proof seeped back into my awareness. I started thinking, I wonder if I could sneak out of here when we're done? Maybe on the way back to the ramp thing? I'll pretend to be really zombied like everybody else until the last second. I really, desperately wanted to get a chance to look around. I figured eventually I would be back in the regular world again, and I somehow knew I would remember all this for once, and I damn well wanted a better look around than what I'd gotten. I had this intense desire to try to find some sort of evidence that I might be able to carry back with me without them knowing; at the very least, I wanted to see more.

Then I had an "intuition" I guess you could say, that the Being that was "singing" at us somehow knew what I was thinking, or at the very least, knew the general "mood" of what I was thinking. My physically pretending obviously wasn't going to fool anybody. A couple of seconds later, another burst of PEACE LOVE CALMNESS descended on me, and I sank into the tones in bliss and lost conscious awareness.

I "came to" (as opposed to "woke up") abruptly at about 4:30am, the usual time.

Upon coming to, which consisted of very physically "abruptly realizing I was here," I remembered everything above quite clearly, and was furious that I hadn't been able to get a better look around. I got up and typed notes out on my computer so I wouldn't forget any of it.

The effect of this was a bit similar to the effect of the "Mary-dream" from long ago: abruptly my point of view on that particular type of experience changed. I "knew" it was literal. I no longer bothered telling myself that all my experience was a bizarrely realistic dream. And for the first time ever, I was so convinced of the "reality" of my experience that I actually told somebody I knew about it. Further, for the first time I considered 'aliens' to be potentially valid -- or at least worth giving thought to.

I hoped fervently that the next night I could go there again, and wake up, and get a look around. But I've had no similar experience since.


By the way, just as an aside, it's interesting... I don't suppose that could be more than coincidence, that my time of coming to, from different looking entities, always seems to be right about the same time, and then the big January quake hit right then also? I wonder. I mean you never know, if some of this is about technology instead of consciousness [and/or, that they overlap], what side effects their technology could have on our... 'reality.'


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