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Journal Excerpt [sexual universe]

{September, 1994}

Regularly now, I've found myself communicating with entities who, in effect, offer to have sex with me. Now I figure, I'm single, I'm probably sexually repressed or something right, this is just my own psychology working itself out. It's rather interesting though. Some of them aren't remotely human. I can't see them very well, but they have this deep, empathic ability to make my whole body and mind feel the most luxurious, sensuous joy imaginable. It's as if they merge with me far more completely, inside me completely like an energy that mixes with my atoms, far more merging intimacy than regular sex would ever feel.

A couple of them were shapes. It was like they were a geometrical shape and that shape actually had sentience. And when we merged, they "became inside me," and it was as if I could feel my own form both stretched by them and stretching to configure myself to the same shape. One was a number, as if numbers are each sentient or some such idea, and I can't explain it well but the effect of the merge was so incredibly "absolute," as if I became part of the fundamental structure of the universe, like becoming one of the bricks it is physically composed of.

Gender has less and less to do with my understanding of sexuality, and even form, and I find myself becoming more sensual by the day, as if I'm able to conceptualize such a merging with objects, ideas, and intangibles, not to mention any form of entity, not to mention any form of human. Suddenly sex seems far less physical than psychic, and something that provides not just pleasure but an expansion of consciousness. I'm becoming sensual about totally normal, seemingly non-sensual things in my environment; I can get sensual in the learning of new software, for example, like all the concepts are shapes and it is alive. Weird.


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