PJ's Personal Archives

Journal Excerpt [sleep orders]

{June, 1994}

My sleeping habits the last few weeks have been totally off the wall. But I've gone to bed at a fairly decent hour the last few nights, haven't been being "nabbed" since I've moved my bed to the living room and been sleeping in it (fall asleep normally, it seems, though the sleepiness does hit me very suddenly) and I simply cannot wake up in the morning.

I can't emphasize this enough. It's not that I'm sleeping deeply. It's not that I'm not getting enough sleep. It's not even that I'm somewhere else and have to bring myself back 'here.' I've done that, where you're elsewhere, like bi-located, or "deep," or.... but this is different. "Absolute."

Well, I'm sure you're going to think I am totally paranoid. I don't know who or what I'm accusing. But I should go back, and explain the first symptom first. This lasted about a week or so.

My eventual conclusion was: It felt as if maybe there was something broadcasting a frequency to keep me asleep. Let me rephrase that. Not like the point of the frequency was to keep ME asleep personally. It probably just happens to be tuned to that level, or something occurred to have put me there even when it was gone. At the time I decided, "I sleep differently, and it feels different when I sleep, much smoother, much more unvarying, this is not necessarily good. It's smoother at a different level than "smooth" and peaceful sleep usually is."

In other words, the average sleep, especially in the morning hours, at least mine, tends to vary in levels of awareness (like brainwave states), at least I'm guessing. Not to say I wake up; hard to explain; I never noticed this until it didn't happen. My sleep suddenly wasn't varying at all, like not one smidgeon, it was as if it was artificially programmed at a certain place and that programmed place got my attention, because it does not exactly match the "place" where that kind of deep smooth sleep would happen normally. I can tell the difference. It's not just that I was sleeping "well" like as a result of being tired. It feels specifically different. I was thinking I was imagining it, but after a week or so of this I didn't think so anymore.

Now it's evolved to something much worse.

You know, generally when the alarm goes off, even if I'm in the twilight zone, my body knows what to do. I know it's an alarm, I've heard one nearly every day for decades. Maybe on occasion I'm so exhausted or deep it's like penetrating a curtain to bring myself out of it.

But lately, when my alarm goes off in the morning, the sound penetrates (eventually), and yet I don't know what it is. I have no idea. I don't know who I am. I don't even know what I am. I don't know where I am. I don't know what that noise is, or what it means. It's as if I'm simply not able to access parts of my brain for data. Complete disorientation.

Not only that, but I don't know what's around me. It's not simply unfamiliar, it's foreign beyond my comprehension. I don't even have the concept of "bed" or any such thing, and look in confusion at the shapes surrounding me (my canopy bed). I don't even contain the "concept" of shapes separate from me. And in fact, when I look at them, I can't really even make out the shapes clearly at first. I don't get it. It's not about vision, it's about interpretation. It's like... maybe they're not solid, or they're not steady-solid, or... like if I were a Flatlander trying to grok something 3D and not quite making it...

When my alarm is going off, I can be wide awake, my eyes open from the sound, but I won't be able to comprehend that the sound is an alarm, or what I'm supposed to do about it (except that it bugs me). I finally can focus on the "thing" the sound seems to be coming from (the whole concept of separate "things" itself has to come first, mind you, and it's a big evolution, not to mention my spacial relationship to the alarm), and then I have to develop the realization that I have arms, and then that they are under my control and can be used to communicate (touch) the alarm, and then often I literally pound and grunt like a confused ape on the box until I usually knock it off and it pulls the plug out of the wall.

I'm normally not a deep sleeper -- at all. And it can take me up to an hour or two hours, of being fully wide awake, to finally gradually "get my Self back." I almost have to learn to use my body again, like I've no awareness of it, and I finally realize I have these things (that are limbs), that are connected to my intent to stop the sound, to bash it with...

Sometimes I accidentally hit the sleep button while bashing the clock and if I happen to hit the delay-"sleep" button, often it can go off many, many times with the whole thing repeated, and I don't change! My mind doesn't come back! It can be hours before any time, place, space, or object, not to mention my own identity, has any concept at all attached to it, and that's once I can see and interpret them clearly mind you.

To say this is scary is an understatement. It's terrifying. Even the most basic and obvious psychological issues, like the concepts of things, of something separate from me, of having an actual body, it takes awhile just to figure out this stuff so that I can visually see it clearly, and even then most of it, like shapes, I don't interpret in any way, they are as baffling to me as a completely foreign language is to somebody, and they have no concepts assigned to them whatsoever. It's like being dropped into a strange world that is beyond all comprehension.

Needless to say, it makes one late for work...! I've gotten in trouble, since I'm the one with the keys to work, for being hours late, and no damned wonder! I open the building in the morning, and me not showing up can hardly go unnoticed! It's so unprofessional. I'm so humiliated, and by the time I finally get my brain together to figure out what's going on, I'm usually crying in sheer terror and confusion, and then I finally come around and end up crying in frustration, feeling it's so unfair, because I'm so damned late for work. What can I say? What's my excuse? Even I don't understand.

I don't even want to go into how bewildering it was the first time I began spontaneously crying in the middle of this, and spent at least an hour trying to grasp the concept of wetness with my fingers, like a totally novel experience...

I told someone this and she pointed out that there is a sleep disorder related to "disorientation." That it could have the degree of disorientation I described is difficult for me to believe. In fact, it's impossible for me to believe, I don't buy it for a minute. Her comment was that I could have never had it before, and never have it again, and only have it descend on me for a week, or be sporadic. (Gee, how convenient: this wraps up every possible symptom a person could ever have in this area and invalidates it as something that's merely a physical blip and means nothing.)

But ok.... say I'm willing to consider that this may be merely a sleep disorder. I tend to wonder though, even if that's the case: If that IS a sleep disorder, what causes that? We accept symptoms of physical happenings, from disease to sleep disorders, as if they were causes. There is a reason a person has a sleep disorder. Is the fact that people have had disorders and it's been documented mean that my experience is a mere trivial physical detail? Or could it mean that other people are having experiences which in their side-effects can sometimes create this sleep disorder? I don't know what experience could create it. I just feel that in my case, it's... deliberate. On purpose. Like it's being done to me.

After a time I dug up this old alarm, with a 'loud' setting, that no joke is so loud that once it went off when I was across the house, midday (I had just plugged it in, planning to use it merely as a clock in the kitchen, not an alarm), and my heart actually skipped a beat. My heart hurt it scared me so bad, and that's at a distance. It's so loud it ought to be illegal, there must be something wrong with it. I grabbed it and have been using that. A neighbor from some ways away complained that it woke them up and nearly gave them a heart attack and it went off for eons... Says she pounded on my door the other day, hard, yelling, trying to get me to turn it off. I sleep right next to the door now that my bed's in the living room, so I was spaced through her, too. Now since I'm normally a light sleeper, and since I actually feel I'm getting enough sleep lately -- for once! -- none of this makes any sense to me!

Thing is... well... lately I've been talking and writing to some people about my experiences, you know? Just sort of dipping one toe into it, sharing just a little, kind of testing people out. So I've been telling a story or two. And some experiences (I mean some entities), more than others, I have this... well, I guess it's a superstition that maybe I shouldn't be saying anything. Even consciously I stop myself, and wonder if I'm going to "get in trouble" for saying anything. It's illogical. Like the black triangle guy, definitely, that's the main one. And that my deliberately ignoring that feeling, even though it was strong enough to be a conscious realization even at the time, was in some manner... I don't know. Like I was being a bad kid, or something. Stupid, I know. But some part of me feels almost as if either (a) "they" are "showing me who's really in control," or (b) "they" are punishing me -- either here, or while I'm there for something, that lasts even into the "here"-ness.

I don't know. Gods, I sound like a 'loon! But I have to wonder... if maybe an overdose of something like that oxygen-mask thing could knock out your brain or something? I remember having the feeling it was worse than just making me unconscious, that it was actually a very bad thing for me, when I encountered it. Is it possible that something that happens over "there" and doesn't always seem fully physical could in fact be physical or, affect my physical body here -- even if it's not?

I hate to even go on about it. I feel so stupid. But for some reason I've just got it into my head that "technology" has something to do with this. Not metaphysics but something quite earthly-real. I feel absolutely sure it's something "artificial" causing this. It feels artificial, I don't know how to describe that. Whether it's "continuing" when I should be awake to 'keep' my brain out of commission, or whether it simply hits me so hard at some point that it takes me a long time to recover, I don't know.


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