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Journal Excerpt [the darkness]

{March, 1995}

Crowley had realized something... there was some kind of disease? Or strange situation? Maybe not physical, maybe psychological or spiritual, which mankind was going to bring on themselves unknowingly, that could or would wipe us out, or at least be very bad. It was a huge kind of doom, something that affected our entire species and our future, and something that we were walking right into blindly. I felt we haven't yet brought it on ourselves, but it's still a potential, growing stronger all the time. But he had seen it too late, when he was too old, when he was dying; he was too weak to get somewhere to tell somebody who could help.

I tried to help him get to some place to explain it to someone, some high-level magician he thought could initiate something toward averting it or fighting it, but he was so tired, and he kept falling into pieces, physical pieces, he was just old and exhausted and in some kind of weakened condition. I kept picking up his pieces and trying to hold him together so that between us we could get to this guy and warn him. I wanted to help him, as much for him as the goal itself, but there was no point I finally began to feel, and he was about to expire so it wasn't like it threatened him personally anyway.


Groups of us, people, are standing in lines kind of like troops, but dressed normally, somewhere in the desert. To the front of us, nothing was there, just sand as far as the eye could see. And then a giant gold Egyptian man arises from the dust. He's huge! -- like 50 feet tall, looks like a gold statue, but he's alive. He points his finger at us, and on this row of people to the far right creeps this blackness, it's like a shadow or tar or something but seems more part of the skin itself. At first I thought it would kill the people, but it didn't, it just coated them, and I leaned away, but the blackness spread to all of us.

Somehow I knew that it made us like these smaller animals [which now, awake, I'd call bats]. The blackness that is now part of us makes us want to live at night, seek the darkness, sleep in trees, eat fruit... it will make us need inconvenient things, things that are separate from our normal culture. I and a small group of people finally leave, and I crawl into a tree to sleep, since that seems appropriate (if inconvenient, considering my form), but as I do I tell the people below me, This'll never work. People (normal people and the government) will see us and they'll shoot us, they'll think we're horrible and gross or something, maybe we can sleep normally but stay out of sight, let's see what we can work out.

In looking for a better place to sleep I found this huge gem, it was orange and cut in a pear cut, about the size of my hand, and for some reason I felt like I should eat it, as if it were a fruit, but I resisted the compulsion, aware of how dangerous it would be.

I realize suddenly there is a connection: Aleister's physical weakness seems somehow related to this blackness, even though he didn't show any sign of having it on him. I didn't know if the blackness was weakening, or merely that his response to it weakened him, or that it was to help cure the weakening -- I couldn't tell. I wasn't sure if maybe others couldn't see it on us, either... it didn't seem like something that could be washed off, it seems like it just changes the skin itself, yet it wasn't visible. I don't know if it's good or bad or just "is." I'm not sure why the huge gold Egyptian guy put it on us, or how to get rid of it, or if I should.

I was upset about the above dream. Blackness? Did that indicate something bad? On the other hand, it could also represent alchemical symbolism. I've had quite a number of experiences -- only the one above did I write down -- where I met "Egyptian Men" who basically looked like 50' tall solid gold but living statues.


Maybe I should mention that beginning around this time, my immense 'awareness' began 'closing down'. With rare exceptions, by winter of that year I was almost psychically 'dead'. I physically felt as if a dark, thick, inpenetrable blanket of energy had been placed over me. Not only separating me from 'myself' and 'god' and 'the universe' that I had been so connected to prior, but also seeming to make me 'invisible' in some way to the myriad number of entities that had come trolling for company of various sorts over the years previous. At the time I didn't really connect this very symbolic dream (which disturbed me for weeks) to it. I had other experiences that might relate as much or more to 'closing down'. But in retrospect, I think this is, in some way I don't understand yet, related.


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